20 February 2017

dante’s biopsy results came back today

guess who doesn’t have cancer!!!

<3 <3 <3

20 February 2017

This is how it went down:

I was sitting outside a bar on Hawthorne Blvd. drinking a glass of water. A woman approached me. She was with a guy. She said, “Oh my God! Do you have jewelry in your teeth?” And I said, “No, this is a gold tooth. It’s a real one.”

She said, “Can I lick it? I’ve never licked a gold tooth before.”

I said, “I lick it all the time. It’s great.”

“Yeah but can I lick it? I’m serious.”

“Uhhhhh. I mean, I don’t see why not.”

“He doesn’t care,” she said, and she motioned to the guy she was with. “I do weird stuff all the time.” The dude nodded.

“Yeah all right,” I said. “Hell, if you really want to, you can lick my gold tooth.”

She put her hands on my shoulders and leaned in and stuck her tongue in my mouth. She sloshed it around my front teeth for a good 30 seconds. It felt like a very long time. I sat there awkwardly and hoped it would end soon. People walked by us. In my perisperhal vision I saw her boyfriend sucking on a vape pen.

“Wow!” she said.

“Yeah.”

“Can I do it again?”

“Um.”

“C’mon!”

“OK, go for it.”

She did it again!

“Just so you know,” I said, “I brushed my teeth about 20 minutes ago.”

“Oh, I don’t care,” she said. “Was that weird just now though?”

“It was probably a little weird, yeah. But who cares.”

“Yeah, man!”

She told me she worked at Hawthorne Strip on Powell Blvd. near “the bowling alley.” I knew which bowling alley she meant because I’ve ben trying to form a league there for weeks. I said, “All right.”

She sat down on a little picnic table across from me and fetched her wallet. She handed me $5 in ones. I refused to take the money. She insisted I take the money.

“I’m a stripper,” she said. “I know how important it is to tip.”

I didn’t want to offend her. I said, “Well, all right. But I don’t feel good about this!”

“Just take it, man.”

I took it!

18 February 2017

I have buddies in Vancouver now! They are real cool!!

Hello Vancouver buddies~

17 February 2017

I’ve been rewatching all of David Lynch’s stuff. I have watched ‘Mulholland Drive’ every day for a week. My favorite is still ‘Wild at Heart,’ but ‘Mulholland Drive’ is uhhh probably definitely his best one.

Anyway! I’m also tearing through ‘Twin Peaks’—watching one episode a night while I drink tea laced with magnesium citrate so I can fall the hell asleep afterwards!

HERE IT IS: The best and worst Twin Peaks characters, and also my Twin Peaks girlfriends and boyfriends. I am omitting Agent Cooper from these lists, because otherwise he would hog the spotlight!!

Also, I want to say this about the worst characters, which is that they’re not “bad characters,” or written poorly or anything (except maybe Windom Earle cuz guy kinda sucks). But hey, whatever, anyway~

BEST CHARACTERS:

  • Big Ed
  • Ben & Jerry Horne
  • Lucy
  • Andy
  • Audrey
  • Leo
  • Pete
  • Leland Palmer
  • Maddy Ferguson
  • Agent Rosenfield
  • Dr. Jacoby
  • Major Briggs

WORST CHARACTERS:

  • James
  • Donna
  • Josie
  • Sarah Palmer
  • Windom Earle
  • Annie Blackburn
  • John Wheeler

GIRLFRIENDS:

  • Shelly
  • Norma
  • Lucy

BOYFRIENDS:

  • Big Ed
  • Pete
  • Andy

The thing about Shelly and Norma is that if you dated either of them, you’d probably just hang out at the Double R Diner all the time. Man, I love diners. I sure would hang out there with my girlfriend all the time!!! It’s been a while I reckon, but as I recall, visiting your girlfriend at work is real cool. I’ve never had a boyfriend before so I can’t say if it’s a similarly satisfying experience, though hey, why wouldn’t it be~

Your turn!!!

17 February 2017

Whoa! I received a letter today from a woman in Berkeley who sent me some money for Dante! I went to the bank and added to The Dante Fund.

Thanks, lady!

Lookit that calligraphy-ass lettering!!

Y’all: Feel free to send me mail. I get mail from y’all pretty often. It rules~

And here’s the thing: I’m way better at replying to physical mail than emails??? Because I place them on my desk and am constantly reminded that I need to reply to them, which I like doing, but which feels more urgent or something . . . whereas them god dang emails get lost in the void—just like me!!

Keep em comin, baby!!!!!!

And thanks again, Miranda~!!

13 February 2017

In my dreams I keep going to a small forested asteroid where all my friends and animal friends live. There is a part of the asteroid that looks exactly like my childhood home and that is where Dante and I stay.

In place of where my neighbors’ houses had been, there was a grassy field and a huge garden near the back patio. Last night I woke up in this garden and stood up and Dante ran over to me and rubbed his head on my leg. I told him to follow me and we walked through a path that cut through a patch of tall flowers.

I know this is dumb, but I really did hear a voice in my dream head that told me I could stay there as long as I wished, and in my dream head I felt relieved that I would never have to go back to Earth, and to my life there, and so on. I thought that maybe I had died in the real world, and I said aloud to Dante: “Thank God, dude.”

Dante and I kept walking. The sun was setting. I felt so calm and happy!

Of course I woke up at some point, or at least I think I did, and returned to this nightmarish hellworld we are all of us trapped inside of until we go finally home permanently to the nice places in our heads!

11 February 2017

Were this world an endless plain, and by sailing eastward we could for ever reach new distances, and discover sights more sweet and strange than any Cyclades or Islands of King Solomon, then there were promise in the voyage. But in pursuit of those far mysteries we dream of, or in tormented chase of the demon phantom that, some time or other, swims before all human hearts; while chasing such over this round globe, they either lead us on in barren mazes or midway leave us whelmed.

‘moby-dick’