I’m not even kidding: the only ads I get on Instagram are about cough syrup and finding a girlfriend.

:’-(

just in case anyone was curious, this is my favorite emoji: 🌝

the end!

Our souls are like those orphans whose unwedded mothers die in bearing them: the secret of our paternity lies in their grave, and we must there to learn it.

moby-dick

People say to me all the time: “You seem like someone who would smoke.”

???

Maybe it’s because I’m a moody idiot jerk! But then who knows.

Anyway I don’t smoke. It’s so bad for you, man. God is it ever!

Self-loathing and not sleeping are my only vices! Well, there’s a bunch of other micro-vices I have, but hell, I ain’t gettin into that tonight.

Attention fine readers of this fine website: I have scheduled a vasectomy (for myself (lol)) to be performed in the next two weeks. For real! My insurance company covers 100% of it, so why the heck not, yeah??

Apparently it takes like 20 minutes. They make a small incision on the side of your testicles and cauterize some tubes or whatever, and then you go home. And I guess there’s a non-scapel version where a doctor, like, uses his fingers to get those tubes real close to the surface and then they make a little hole or something? Like a hole punch? I don’t know. I don’t care how they do it cuz I ain’t scared either way.

You can’t have sex or jerk off or play golf or lift heavy objects for a week or so. That’s OK! I will hold off on all the golf I play.

And then they say you need to get through 15-20 ejaculations before it’s all out of your system. Hmm! That’s OK too.

What I want to say is this: If anyone wants to have my child, the clock is ticking. Email me and let’s work something out!!! But listen: That baby is going to be crazy and awful. Don’t do it!

I’ll let you know how it goes! I’m getting a vasectomy! What!!!

It’s Dante’s 9th birthday!!!!!!!!

When I first moved to Portland, I was working at this awful place on Division Street because I didn’t know what else to do with myself. One day this girl came up to me and placed this li’l instruction sheet for a Star Glider on the counter in front of me and smiled and ran away. I flipped it over and saw that she had written down her name and number! Her name was Beth. I only saw her for half a second. I don’t know much about Beth.

Anyway I found this again just now. Whoa! Star Glider! Sorry I never called you, Beth. I was a mess back then!!

I’m an even bigger mess now!!!! And so and so on into oblivion, baby!!!!!!!! ☆彡

BEFORE ELVIS THERE WAS NOTHING

DENY YOUR PROGRAMMING

it’s 8:30 am PST

i’ve been awake all night building a website for someone

i’m going to sleep now

as i fall asleep i’m going to meditate on what it must be like to have me for a boyfriend

my guess is that it’s a nightmare

i’ll let you know how it goes

okbye