BREAKING NEWS: NOT DEAD YET

Well baby, the results are in, and it looks like I’m not going to go blind after all. My doctor—an ophthalmologist, don’t you know—told me this just today. This was after seven hours of testing. One of the nurses told me I took “every eye test under the sun.” I have written a longer thing about this. I guess I’ll put it up tomorrow. Spoilers: I have 20/20 vision, aced a color gradient test (that thing ruled), and have excellent peripheral vision. I do have “small yellow dots” in the back of my right eye, which I thought was my good eye, but ol’ Doc What’s-His-Face said these are genetic, non-specific, benign, and are the eyeball equivalent of freckles.

So what gives??

Who knows, man. My doctor found nothing abnormal in my eyes. He said they are “completely unremarkable,” which I think is the only time you want someone to tell you that your eyes are unremarkable. He said it was likely a thing that had appeared and quickly passed on . . . or was brought on by stress, which sure does seem plausible to me. In fact he kind of scoffed at the paranoid death sentence my optometrist gave me! A thing I learned today is that ophthalmologists don’t take optometrists seriously. They think it’s kid stuff. And hey, speaking of eyes: just about everyone in the office damn near rolled theirs every time I mentioned optometry. Whoa! That’s . . . kind of interesting, actually!

Anyway: I also got some lab results back from a clinic I visited, and despite my cartoonishly gloomy worldview, I am a perfectly healthy 28-year-old man. My blood work was good, my urine was pure and beautiful, and my doctor looked around this here body of mine and said, “Right on, dude.” Hey, all right.

I have boxed up half of my things. And my friends in the Bay Area are sleuthing around in a spidery way for houses and jobs for me, which is so very nice of them. I mean I’m doing that too, but I’ll be god darned if they ain’t helping me out! Hell, I’ll live in the Bay Area again. When I really think about it, that place is where All The Stuff Is as far as my life is concerned. It’s a big huge weird place and I’ve been everywhere in it. I just needed to be away from it for a while. I’m OK now. And for God’s sake, I know so many good people there. I gotta get back to those people. I need those people!

I did some detective work, and it looks like I can rent a minivan for about $150. Gas and coffee and a big bag of Fuji apples would be another $50 or so. I’ve done this before, you see. I got rid of a bunch of stuff before I left Oakland, and then I got rid of more of it when I got to Portland. So if I could fit all my earthly possessions in a luxury minivan eight months ago, I can most certainly do it again. I’ve said it many times before, but the drive takes about ten hours. It is a nice drive. I’ll drive the van, and Dante can watch all that Oregon scenery from the passenger seat. Yeah.

I just looked outside, and it appears the sun is coming up. They gave me eyedrops today that are going to keep my eyes dilated for five whole days. I have to wear sunglasses even when I’m inside. It’s gonna be real weird, man. Though hey, that’s all right with me!!!