oh, god, i love that sinking feeling. and i’m rotten as hell for feeling that way. i should steer away from the dark waters of this world (lol), but i have commited the sin (lol) of living just long enough to have developed a tolerance or at least an unhealthy relationship with all that bad chemistry. as i crawl deeper into it i dimly see a way out, but i don’t take it, and instead go further on till there’s no coming out for some time. what an impulse, man. what a terrible, rotten thing. . . !

well: sometimes, no matter who you are, you can be a real bastard to yourself whether you want to or not. what makes my case especially egregious is that i am aware of my self-destruction, and gleefully fling myself towards total annihilation when the lights go out! damned, most malignantly! and so on.

i have said all these things before, maybe too frequently even . . . and maybe also this website is something of a dark monument to that godawful thing i cannot get out from under. i have let the fire invert me and i see now only through a glass darkly, and on and on, and i think: fine! i fly through the blackest gorges and yet still higher than the birds over the plain! my great destiny is to die alone at the bottom of the world. until then i will seethe and write lonely diatribes and make stupid videos for the internet. in these trying times, what other choice does a fine american like myself really have?

“. . . dissenter of the sun . . . i know you don’t know you are empty inside. . . .”