Critics and audiences agree: Ryan Starsailor is “a self-perpetuating black hole who got lost on the way to his own funeral.

Uh, anyway: Welcome to this here website of mine, which somehow contains over 200 pages of space trash. You are welcome to read as much or as little as you like, though maybe you shouldn’t read any of it at all. I don’t know! I reckon I’ll leave it up to you to decide.

My name is Ryan Starsailor. Yup, that’s who I am. Before you ask: Yes, I like stars, and yes, I like sailing through them. Isn’t it nice when things are simple like that??

I am maybe good at a few things. At any rate, I have what you might call a portfolio, where I document any and all evidence that “proves” I am at least good for something. I also have an Instagram, where I film and edit little videos when my roommate isn’t home.

My good friend Laura Rokas took that photo at the top. I met Laura online. She moved from Montreal to a spare bedroom in my house in Oakland before we had ever met each other. We lived together for two years. The photo is of me and my friend Dante in our backyard in North Oakland. (I miss that house very much. Maybe I never should have left it.)

If you’d like to write me an email, just go ahead and do it, man. I like receiving email! I will write you back as quickly as I can.


I, Ryan Starsailor:

  • . . . grew up in a suburb of Washington, D.C., and have since lived in Baltimore, Austin, Oakland, Portland, and Berkeley?
  • . . . own multiple pairs of purple boxer briefs?
  • . . . am 76%~ asexual?
  • . . . have a gold front tooth?
  • . . . am dumb, and also stupid?
  • . . . am an insane loser?
  • . . . always watch movies with subtitles on?
  • . . . have a favorite book, which is ‘Moby-Dick’? (duh!!)
  • . . . once slept on an elementary school playground in Providence, Rhode Island?
  • . . . used to deliver donuts within a seventy-mile radius of the Bay Area?
  • . . . was briefly a cab driver in San Francisco, California?
  • . . . was the doorman at an Irish Pub in Oakland, California?
  • . . . was the personal assistant to a well-known artist in Baltimore, Maryland?
  • . . . was a copywriter at a large biotech company in Austin, Texas?
  • . . . was fired from a law firm for contracting the swine flu?
  • . . . tested over a dozen experimental medications to help pay for college?
  • . . . was hired by the U.S. government to test a malaria vaccination that ended up working?
  • . . . have dated two painters with French names?
  • . . . was once asked to sire a child for a woman who wanted to be a single mom?
  • . . . threw up on a wall at the MacArthur BART station in Oakland, California while a hundred people watched on?
  • . . . used to own a decommissioned Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor, which was stolen four times?
  • . . . flew to Tokyo when I was 19 years old and slept on the living room floor of good ol’ Tim Rogers?
  • . . . have made out with the lead singer of Deer Tick on two separate occasions?
  • . . . used to live with my Canadian and Australian pen pals?
  • . . . have not eaten meat in over ten years?
  • . . . am nicknamed “Starbaby”?
  • . . . have been referred to more than once as a “lonely diatribe”?
  • . . . was hugged by Sir Ian McKellen at a cafe in Berkeley, California after complimenting him on his portrayal of King Lear?
  • . . . am little more than a garbage bag filled with rained-on newspapers that someone accidentally stapled to a scarecrow?

I have written and starred in two commercials. I also had a bit part in a commercial my friend did. Proceed with caution: All three are stupid and insane in their own special way.

Anyway, here they are: