I am currently writing a letter to President Barack Obama pleading with him to outlaw the words “quixotic,” “kafka-esque,” and “orwellian.” Those caught using any of them will be drawn and quartered outside the dolphin stadium at SeaWorld.

hey, i think this is the realest thing neil young ever said:

“you’re all just pissin in the wind / you don’t know it but you are
and there ain’t nothin like a friend / who can tell you you’re just pissin in the wind”

followed by:

“i need a crowd of people / but i can’t face them day-to-day
though my problems are meaningless / that don’t make them go away”

followed by:

“well all those people / they think they got it made
but i wouldn’t buy, sell, borrow or trade / anything i have
to be like one of them / i’d rather start all over again”

and:

“well all those headlines / they just bore me now
i’m deep inside myself / but i’ll get out somehow”

whoa . . . those are the last three songs from ‘on the beach.’ yeah, they sure are.

To repeat something my friend Hali and I talked about a long time ago:

If sex is the apex of the human experience—if that is As Good As It Gets—then go ahead and rip my head off right now.

Also we agreed “Borderline” is the best Madonna song.

I have seen many of these

The ones that are crossed out are ones I have watched since January 1st, 2016~

There’s still time to get in on this bitch!!

y’all missed RASHOMON, by the way

tomorrow, as soon as i wake up, we proceed with THRONE OF BLOOD

be there or be a f*ckin huge loser, baby, your choice

(oh god i’m going to be there and i’m also going to be a huge loser . . . whoa)

“words” / phrases / sentences i am tired of hearing:

• “meh”
• “ownage”
• “sick”
• “rad”
• “stoked”
• “that [totally pedestrian not-epic thing] is so epic”
• “killin it, dude”
• “crushin it, dude”
• “killed it, dude”
• “crushed it, dude”
• “that [blank] is on point, dude”
• “beyonce is my spirit animal”
• “[inanimate object / food item / celebrity] is my spirit animal”
• “[anything] is my spirit animal”
• “netflix and chill”
• “that [blank] is hella tight”
• “that’s trill”
• “[meme reference]”
• “[meme comprised of human scenario a lot of people relate to followed by stock photo / picture of celebrity / scene from a ’90s movie]”
• “bacon is awesome”
• “i just got this t-shirt that has a [cartoon alien head / pentagram / piece of bacon and/or pizza] on it”
• “i prefer IPAs”
• “i think you’re just smoking the wrong strain”
• “that [blank] tho”
• “dat [blank] doe”
• “bae”
• “when bae [something] but u [something else]”
• “when bae [anything]”
• “it’s not humid, it’s like a dry heat”
• “i don’t know, i just prefer iphones”
• “i don’t know, i just prefer androids”
• “[opinion on computer / mobile operating system]”
• “i read on [npr / buzzfeed / slate / huffington post] that [word-for-word regurgitation of article]”
• “oh my god have you seen that youtube video [that has 400 million views]”
• “i don’t know, i just think [opinion on celebrity’s personal life]”
• “[celebrity] would never do that”
• “i think religion is stupid, but “
• “i’m not religious but i am spiritual”
• “isn’t it crazy how we’re all made of starstuff?”
• “it’s like nietzsche said: [something nietzsche said]”
• “are you good at networking?”
• “do you have a linkedin profile?”
• “well it helps if you have a linkedin profile”
• “[opinion on popular television show]”
• “[a room full of people quoting the same movie / television show]”
• “[argument about if the beatles’ were really influential to music]”
• “[conversation about ‘the singularity’]”
• “[conversation about what smoking marijuana is like]”
• “[conversation about tattoos someone wants to get in the future]”
• “[conversation about what ‘hipster’ actually means]”
• “[conversation about politics]”
• “[conversation about dietary restrictions]”
• “[conversation about international situation that everyone heard about on npr and has the same two-sentence depth of knowledge on]”
• “[anything involving sports]”
• “[object / restaurant / coffee shop / abstract concept] is so hipster”
• “[person] is such a hipster”
• “oh i don’t know, i think [awful thing about the 21st century] is way better than [quantifiably superior old way of doing something]”
• “all i’m saying is, you’d better vote for [political candidate no one cared about six months ago]”
• (after hearing you make a joke you yourself came up with) “wait what’s that from again?”

(to be continued (oh no))

(((please note: i don’t necessarily blame people for saying this stuff. it’s just that everyone is being exposed to the same exact things, and so it’s starting to feel like a god darn echo chamber where no one has any original thoughts of their own anymore. i have heard people say almost all of these things verbatim a million times at this point. just say something new!!!)))

This is going to sound like I’m joking but I’m not.

Remember when people had websites? You know, like something that wasn’t connected to anything else? It was just a website and people said some stuff or put up pictures they took or whatever. Or they talked about a thing they really enjoyed, like a movie or a TV show. Man, that was cool. And you would have a website, and some people you liked had websites too, and you would link to them and read each other’s websites. There were little networks of friends, and the only reason you knew about each other was because you randomly found their website by searching for something else maybe. You just kind of discovered them on your own. It was like finding a shark’s tooth on the beach!

That is, I guess, what this thing is. I designed and coded my website myself. It is not connected to anything. It is not an online portfolio or a glorified business card or a way for me to “connect” to people in I reckon what is now the conventional sense. I miss the sort of naive earnestness of those things. It’s not like that anymore as far as I can tell. And listen I’m not saying my way—the old way—is better than any of the other stuff they’ve got now, I’m just saying I prefer it this way. It’s real cool. I like it.

Just about every email I ever get from someone who reads this website (all of them very nice strangers), say to me: “I have no idea how I found your website.” That’s incredible. I love that. I mean it, I think that’s great.

If you can get to my fortified compound in Manassas, Virginia in the next five (5) minutes, you are more than welcome to do pushups and watch RASHOMON (羅生門) with me. It’s going to be real cool, man. I just made a fresh pot of coffee too.

I chased Dante around the house just now, and when he got tired he sat down and I fluffed up his fur with my hands. And I said to him, “Baby don’t worry. I’m gonna get us a house out west, and I’m gonna put you inside of it. And I’m gonna hang out with you all the time because we’re good friends.”

My friend Ayesha was here last night with her friend, and she told her friend: “This is Dante. He’s not Ryan’s son. They’re just friends.”

I thought it was nice that she knew that.