you people with your height requirements, i swear

you’re a person, not a ride at the county fair

my friend danielle texted me from a bar in LA saying she was drinking with her dad

she said they were talking and apparently he mentioned that he likes me because i’m nice to her

this is what happened to me (the air is very dry here):

i stand before the LORD and all you fine people cowering back there in the dark, and unto you i say this: i am going to do everything in my power to live out the last years of my life without ever again reading someone’s attempt to describe what music sounds like.

people who review music (and movies) are people who have never actually made anything. they have compacted decade-old cheeto dust affixed to their fingertips like barnacles on the side of a ship. they are vile people.

once, a few years ago, my cousin and i put together a list of meaningless compound modifiers that are sadly very similar to the kinds you will see employed in their quote unquote reviews because describing what a song sounds like is dumb as hell.

anyway enjoy:

  • squiggly instro-funk
  • technorganics
  • carnivorous fuzz-groove
  • bark-chewing electro-popping jazz-crunch
  • rump-shaking beatfest of home grown
  • elastic-y hypno-squirm
  • cardio-visceral skim-hop
  • fist-beating zip-zapping bog-jam
  • fucking-a-hole-in-the-wall dirty slam-jam
  • grim-rapping post-skunk
  • slug-simpering fungi-pop
  • rusty blues-o-tronic folk-grinder
  • church-exploding jerk-jazz
  • dung-clap acoustics
  • trog-slog up Mt. Earblood
  • avalanche of scream-eating doom-grunge
  • pro/regressive neo-scrapple
  • catacomb of ghost-fucking crunch-funk
  • trans-indie nosebleed doom-rock
  • micro-vascular synth-gargle
  • vomitronic neo-gospel
  • orbital rock-probe of electro-static
  • post-orchestral nerve-boil
  • ear-melting sludge hammer
  • soul-comsuming ocularamble

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Man. I think about my Jeep EVERY DAY. I miss that god dang thing. Why did I sell it??? I guess I didn’t want to bring it to California for some reason. I thought it would be expensive to drive it all the way out there.

I think the guy who bought it totally gutted it, too. I mean he said he was going to rebuild it and make it look brand new so that ain’t bad. Still, that car was my buddy. I lost my virginity in the back seat, for God’s sake.

hi welcome to my website, which comes off like a teenager’s weepy indictment against the evils of the 21st century

oh boy maybe that’s what it actually is

dante got pissed off and wrote ‘the inferno’ and here i am with . . . whatever this is

i was telling my friend in oakland last night that reading twitter is like watching a bunch of sewer rats fight over a chicken bone. it is a convention center the size of russia filled with millions of people screaming their opinions into their own thimble-sized voids and hoping someone notices. what kind of masochistic feel-nothing sits there and reads twitter? for god’s sake.

also, sorry: is there anything worse than a “joke” twitter account? oh my god. maybe a “tech guy” twitter account. or someone who calls themselves an “author.” well you know what, i’m going to save myself some time and say the whole thing is a big turd haven.

i ask the world: please, stop talking to me like i still need someone tie my shoes for me, or like i am the core demographic for a low-fat yogurt commercial. have you not noticed that everything is written or spoken in this soft comfy goo-goo ga-ga baby talk now? like all this stuff is trying to be your buddy? or comes off like a stranger trying to give you a god damn shoulder massage while you’re sitting on a public bus?

you know what most advertising and, as a result, most human language (at least in this country) feels like to me? it feels like two mormons with clip-on ties sneaking into your house through your chimney and trying to hand you a pamphlet with big empty smiles on their big empty faces while you’re sitting at the kitchen table glumly eating a bowl of cereal and reading over a final notice from the IRS.

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this is the language of the reptile people who are trying to assimilate themselves into human society

this is also the sort of thing that needs to be ramrodded into a huge cannon pointed straight towards hell and fired into the dark depths below, never to return

in my mind there is no reason for a human to ever use the word “sublime” unless you are talking about a lime that isn’t up to typical lime standards, in which case you should put a hyphen (-) between “sub” and “lime” thank you

and just flat out never use the word “exquisite” ok thanks