17 January 2014

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more and more aware of my smallness. I look around and I’m surrounded by beasts.

After the moon splits in half over the flaming cities of earth, the big ones will eat the little ones. Or kill them for sport probably. One day, I think, some hulking, drooling ogre is going to rip my spine from my body and laugh like hell about it. And I guess I’ll just be small and dead.

17 January 2014

Last night I saw that new Spike Jonze film, which I guess is called her (lowercase “H”) (★★ (out of four)), and I sure did like that first hour. And then I started shifting in my seat because I didn’t really want to be there in that theater anymore, and then the film took a nosedive and got sentimental and cheap and saccharine sweet and I thought, “Well, I definitely want to leave now” and I made some sounds with my mouth and didn’t look at the screen during a few scenes because I felt repulsed and betrayed that the movie I had enjoyed so much only an hour before had turned into a Hallmark greeting card.

Anyway: there were flickering moments of genius, and I liked those flickering moments. For instance at one point Theodore, the protagonist, is lying in bed in the middle of the night in his Los Angeles high-rise apartment, and he’s talking to his computer girlfriend, saying something like, “Sometimes I think I’ve felt everything I’m ever going to feel, and that all the emotions I’ll experience for the rest of my life will just be lesser versions of those original ones.”

And when I heard this I nervously darted my eyes back and forth, thinking, oh god, they know—they know and now they’re going to kill me now. They’ve read my thoughts and they’ve watched my dreams.

That was my favorite scene in the movie, probably because it made me feel anything at all. And I quote unquote related to it. The end!!!!!

16 January 2014

You can consider this a promise: once they start manufacturing bioengineered genitals that you can buy in a box at the grocery store, I’m out of here

16 January 2014

I am so paranoid that someone is going to murder me because I’m having fun right now

Whoa! Maybe I’m serious

16 January 2014

I like to have a sense of humor about my failures. It’s a good time. I’m not even being sarcastic!

God, I’m awake at 3:40 A.M., my bloodstream loaded with caffeine, and all I can do is laugh at the terrible son of a bitch that I am.

16 January 2014

In ten days I will be a twenty-six-year-old version of the same rotted-out animal carcass that I’ve always been

(When will this animal go ahead and decay already???)

15 January 2014

Charlie Brown is a cool dude

If Charlie Brown were real I would be his friend

I like people like Charlie Brown

Where are they

08 January 2014

I know of only three truths: 1) I like my cat (he is cool), 2) Blade Runner is my favorite movie, 3) I’m going to die.

08 January 2014

I took these pictures a few weeks after I moved to California~~

Photo on 7-16-13 at 2.34 PM #3

Photo on 7-16-13 at 2.34 PM #5

Photo on 7-16-13 at 2.34 PM #4

08 January 2014

sketch

Why was I cleaning out the creepy little closet in the bathroom at 3 A.M.? I don’t know. I guess I wanted something to do with myself so I wouldn’t be sitting at my desk anymore. I had been sitting there for about twelve hours doing hardly anything at all except feeling like a garbage bag full of dead earthworms.

In a box near the back I found a little notebook. I flipped through it and groaned. Inside were a bunch of dumb drawings and to-do lists and half-formed notes I had written a year or so after high school. Then I found this sketch of me that someone had done long ago. I thought for a minute and decided that this person is the only thing, inanimate or otherwise, that I miss anymore. I don’t miss anything else.

She was a good one. If I thought about her long enough I might crack.

Hey, lady. Are you alive? I’ll tell you what, I miss you a lot. Thanks for being so nice to me.