this is a true story: the first job i ever got was as a bagboy (that’s what they called them back then) at a grocery store near my house. i was 15. and i got that job because i went up to the register with a tube of KY lube and a box of adult diapers. and as the cashier was ringing me up i asked if they were hiring and she gave me an application.

the best part was that after she had rung up the lube and diapers i said, “oh, shit, one second” and grabbed a bag of skittles and put them on the conveyor belt.

yeah baby!!!! that really happened!!!

An anonymous review of the author and, by extension, this fine website you’re reading:

“. . . a big pit of despair that is thinly veiled with sharp, dry, yet intelligent humor.”

(posted without permission (sorry!!))

I just saw a sticker on the back of a truck that was sort of like a Jesus fish except it was a shark and inside it said “SHIT HOUSE”

let me ask you something, boy

you uh. . . .

well listen you ever met someone whose soul was a mass-grave

probably at least once a day i have to rush over to dante and wake him up to save him from a nightmare

whenever i go to some schlub’s website and at the bottom it’s like

“you can follow me on [social media network], [social media network], [social media network], and [linkedin profile]”

i always kind of make this noise with my mouth and then say aloud: “why the fuck would i want to do that”

look don’t tell the cops i told you this but i think that maybe i just experienced vertigo for the first time. but then i don’t really know what vertigo feels like. basically what i felt was like in a movie where someone is staring down a long corridor and the floor and walls begin to twist up in a clockwise spiral. it is slow and barely perceptible.

i’m staring at the room here and it is definitely slanted.

uhhhh have i lost my mind

listen: i don’t usually talk about stuff like this. i don’t like doing it. but i feel like i have to go on record and say this before everything else starts saying it a few years from now.

ok: i think shia labeouf is a genius. i think that guy is real cool and i would totally hang out with him. i also think tom hardy is a genius. i think shia labeouf and tom hardy are the most marlon brando-ish dudes in hollywood. they are some of the only interesting actors to me.

and the fact that they both star in ‘LAWLESS,’ which rules by the way, can’t be a coincidence

that’s divine, baby

that movie is

if you haven’t seen it then what the heck are you doing with your life, honestly

(this post was brought to you by someone who has been unemployed for three months / will probably never get laid ever again)

one time my friend referred to me as a “lonely diatribe” and i thought that was great

during my exile from the world i have developed a useful skill (i’m serious)

which is this: i do not let my mind rove! in the past i would recall a shameful memory, or a person’s face or voice, or whatever, even if it was very painful, and i would just sort of hang out and agonize over it inside my head.

well: these things creep up on me you see, i have a lot of time and no one to talk to, and so when they invade my head like smoke beneath a closed door i say (to myself (and sometimes aloud (so lonely))): “nope!” and i make it vanish. it sounds easy but it is very difficult at first.

and see, you really have to teach yourself this sort of thing if you need to be alive to take care of someone or something, which in my case is a 12-pound cat whose food costs $2.85 a can.