I signed a lease for an apartment in Austin that I have never seen. I won’t see it until I collect the keys from the leasing office on the day I get in. I have seen many pictures. It has hardwood floors and a counter where I can write stupid crap all the livelong day. It has a bedroom. I assume it has a bathroom too. It is four blocks from my old house. I have walked past the complex many times. It is a nice place.

Dante and I are going to be living in an empty apartment probably for a few months. The lease ends in August. Hell I’ll make this bullshit work. I gotta.

IMG_0008

My apartment in Baltimore ruled so hard. It was 800 sq. ft. and cost me $650 a month. My utilities were never more than $15. It smelled really good. I was the first person to ever live there. It was stupid of me to paint the walls but I did anyway. It had a bedroom and a huge closet. The bathroom had a linen closet. I remember being so freaked out by that: What do I put in this thing? I don’t own any linens! et cetera. There was also a slop sink. I don’t think I ever used it.

After a month or two I stopped going into my bedroom. I just hung out in the living room on that rug. Or I sat at my dining room table, which I had turned into a desk and stacked mile-high with my books. I didn’t want any more furniture than what you see in the picture. In fact every day I stared at that black coffee table and wondered if I should just toss it out the window.

Man it was real cool there. Sometimes I would go grocery shopping and then not leave my apartment for two weeks. I would watch movies in the bathtub and write for eight or nine hours till the sun came up. If I did leave I would explore the abandoned buildings I could see from my living room. Or I would climb the rainbow bridge nearby and hope the wind wasn’t strong enough to blow me into the train tracks a hundred feet below. If I got hungry I went to this little sub shop on Charles and talked to these two girls who worked there. They were so cool. I used to hang out with them for hours. They would recognize my voice when I called in. I almost worked there just for the hell of it. (When I was boxing up my room in Oakland I found the filled-out application that I never turned in!)

I only lived there seven months . . . after I was gutted and heartbroken I had to get the hell out. I went to Austin in September and stayed with my friends for the remainder of my lease. I was still paying rent in Baltimore. I didn’t return until January. My friend Perri came over and we painted the walls. It took all night. Then I moved to Austin for good.

God, dude. That apartment though. I read so many books on that rug. I wrote so much stupid crap. In the summer I opened the windows and you could smell the rain. My only regret is I never got laid there (just kidding (maybe)).

yurp

2016 self-portrait

i will be 28 years old next week

(this is what a month of not sleeping looks like)

“Ryan. You have given me good advice tonight. Don’t tell me you actually believe the world is run by reptiles.”

real quote

nice

out of words

no more words

said all the words yesterday

words will come tomorrow

sitting here with my friend ayesha

got a bottle of andre

listening to george harrison’s “what is life”

wondering the same thing myself

miss a bunch of people

haven’t talked to many people

wish my life was different

wish someone would wrap their arms around me

say, “you’re the one i wanted all along”

i say, “i was just thinking the same damn thing about you”

Well: I definitely just sat in a chair for about fourteen hours and wrote this. It is fourteen thousand words long. That’s a thousand words an hour. I think it is pretty good. I mean it’s all right I guess. There might be some typos. I combed through it twice but you never know. I’ll go through it again when I wake up. Anyway here it is:

OLD FRIENDS
AND NEW FREAKS

I got kind of emotional while writing it! I realized I have known so many good and interesting people. I am happy they let me get to know them.

Yeah baby! It’s 6:30 in the god dang morning and this junkyard dog’s gotta get under the sheets or else.

♫☆ミ

OLD FRIENDS
AND NEW FREAKS

I left Texas in June 2013 and moved to the Bay Area. I already knew a lot of people there. I ended up meeting a lot of new people. Many of them were fine and interesting people. I am going to write about a few of those people.

•   •   •

[M]

M found me in the beer aisle of the grocery store across the street from Golden Gate Park. I told her I was surprised they stocked Lone Star, which I used to drink all the time when I lived in Texas. We decided to get two huge beers and walk around the park brownbagging it. She said she didn’t know much about beer and I said I didn’t either. I said I only knew what tasted good to me and what didn’t.

She had me pick something out for her. I grabbed a bottle with a demon on it and handed it to her.. I got something with a high alcohol percentage. I was thinking economically because I was so broke. I wanted to get as twisted off five dollars worth of beer as I could.

all day i have had this great sense of dread inside my chest. like the physical manifestation of dread. as in i can actually feel it!

the closet equivalent i can think of is when obi-wan senses that alderaan has been blown up by the death star.

you fools and your tunnel vision, i swear!!!! did you think this was all there was???