Last night, drunk on terrible wine I found in the back of my grandmother’s refrigerator, I walked for miles and miles beneath a violent rainstorm. It was 3 a.m. and I didn’t know what else to do with myself. I didn’t see any other people out. I didn’t expect to. My clothes got heavy with rainwater. After awhile I stopped feeling cold and my body went numb.

I called my father. I don’t know why I did that. I guess I didn’t know what else to do. When he picked up I told him I just wanted to hear his voice. I needed to hear someone’s voice, and his voice was the one I wanted to hear most of all. We talked for a long time. I told him it was difficult for me to do the normal things. I told him I had been so alone, and was much more alone now, and that I couldn’t figure out why everyone stays away from me, and why I was so easy to forget about. I told him I loved someone and that I didn’t want to live without loving that someone. I said I was so ashamed of being weak and sensitive. He said he didn’t think I was weak, and that it was good that I was a sensitive person because it is important to have to have people like that around. I realize that sounds like something you say to a toddler, but it still made me feel better.

When he hung up I kept walking through dark suburban neighborhoods. The rain fell harder. My socks and shoes were completely filled with water. My face felt raw from the rain. The tip of my nose was solid red. I got lost. I tried to navigate as best I could. It was so, so dark. I made it home an hour later. I was so wet and so cold I had to strip down in the doorway. I was still drunk.

In the dark I felt around the chair where my cat was sleeping. He was very warm. His chest rose and fell like a little accordion. I kissed his head and told him he was very special and that he made me very happy. I promised to take good care of him. I wrapped myself in a nest of blankets and lay there on the floor near his chair till the sun came up.

After crying maybe five or six times over the last four years in moments of total despair, I now find myself crying every single day.

trash

listen, leia organa and han solo, i have been floating around with the rest of the garbage my whole life

(whoa who didn’t see that joke coming)

I have been alone for a long time. I was a lonely kid and a lonely teenager. I became a lonely adult. I felt alone even when I was in a relationship.

I have always felt alone around people. I don’t have much to say to anyone. When I listen to people talk I realize they don’t have much to say to me either.

In three weeks I will be twenty-eight years old. I figured I would always be alone. I changed my mind. Or maybe I had my mind changed for me. Something changed anyway. I don’t want to be alone anymore. It took me a long time to realize this but being alive feels totally awful and worthless without having someone else in your life. It has to be a particular kind of someone though. I thought I knew that someone once. She was very good to me and she was decent enough to love me. She disappeared. I thought I would never meet someone like that again but I did. She is very good to me. She loves me. I hope she doesn’t disappear too.

solongsolo

If this procedure were possible I would be at the clinic that administered it three weeks ago.

Careful old man or you’re gonna lose the few good things you have left.

if you said my name three times in a row like in beetlejuice i’m like 47% sure i would appear before you weeping and saying “why why why!”

thank you for all the nice emails i’ve gotten about the essay i published the other day

recently i have been writing little skits and filming them by myself and playing all the characters and having to use my grandfather’s thick-ass old books as a tripod

and a number of the people who i mentioned earlier today, people who mysteriously wrote me off and disappeared, have suddenly gotten in contact with me again to say they like them

and then they ask me when i’ll be in oakland next!

i’m talking four different people here!!

what the fuck guys :-/