listen, leia organa and han solo, i have been floating around with the rest of the garbage my whole life

(whoa who didn’t see that joke coming)

are you talking to me or are you talking to luke skywalker

I have been alone for a long time. I was a lonely kid and a lonely teenager. I became a lonely adult. I felt alone even when I was in a relationship.

I have always felt alone around people. I don’t have much to say to anyone. When I listen to people talk I realize they don’t have much to say to me either.

In three weeks I will be twenty-eight years old. I figured I would always be alone. I changed my mind. Or maybe I had my mind changed for me. Something changed anyway. I don’t want to be alone anymore. It took me a long time to realize this but being alive feels totally awful and worthless without having someone else in your life. It has to be a particular kind of someone though. I thought I knew that someone once. She was very good to me and she was decent enough to love me. She disappeared. I thought I would never meet someone like that again but I did. She is very good to me. She loves me. I hope she doesn’t disappear too.

If this procedure were possible I would be at the clinic that administered it three weeks ago.

Careful old man or you’re gonna lose the few good things you have left.

if you said my name three times in a row like in beetlejuice i’m like 47% sure i would appear before you weeping and saying “why why why!”

thank you for all the nice emails i’ve gotten about the essay i published the other day

recently i have been writing little skits and filming them by myself and playing all the characters and having to use my grandfather’s thick-ass old books as a tripod

and a number of the people who i mentioned earlier today, people who mysteriously wrote me off and disappeared, have suddenly gotten in contact with me again to say they like them

and then they ask me when i’ll be in oakland next!

i’m talking four different people here!!

what the fuck guys :-/

i am essentially trapped on a small asteroid containing only chain restaurants and identical suburban houses and i have no way to leave without walking and that would mean walking for miles and miles and i have no other way to procure alcohol so i think i’m about to drink four 187ml bottles of white zinfandel (which are in plastic bottles by the way) that i’m pretty sure my grandmother bought like five years ago

good lord these are going to kill me

i have to disconnect my brain somehow!

Immediately after I graduated from college my girlfriend and I split and I was homeless and I felt like complete hell so I self-exiled myself in Virginia for the month of January. My father let me stay in his basement. He had a wood stove and every morning I would wake up and split wood in the freezing cold. Then at night I would drink way too much crappy beer and tend to the wood stove. It was nice. I was upset with myself but my job was to keep the house warm and so I did that. (One night I somehow got really drunk and went canoeing by myself at two in the morning and it was snowing. I still don’t know how that happened!)

Anyway, it is five years later, and I am more or less in the same situation. I don’t feel bad about most of it. I won’t be here long. I am writing some truly dumb things in the meantime (before I was hardly writing anything at all). I have been filming a lot to distract myself from all that terrible energy in my brain. I had a car but it is gone now, so I can no longer drive to the cemetery in Nokesville to Think About Some Shit, which is probably good. I still walk around remembering disasters. Though hey, how could I live a day of my life without doing that!!!

I don’t know, man. I don’t really want anything anymore. I don’t even want to know anything. Really I want so few things. I dream about them sometimes, about those few things. How nice it would be to have them!