20 February 2014

Once I met a lady from Los Angeles and she told me she wanted to come to my house and meet my cat and sit by a fire in my backyard

I didn’t know why she wanted to do those things, but I told her she could

I figured it would be nice, or whatever

See, she had good taste and was ten feet tall and had a cat and lots of plants

She told me she wanted our cats to be friends

But there was a bluegrass festival in Golden Gate Park, and she went to that instead

I didn’t hear from her after that; it must have been a really good bluegrass festival

And so she never got to meet my cat

And so she never got to sit by a fire in my backyard

A week later I was at an Apple Store in Pleasanton feeling like a rusted-out oil drum full of dead gophers and there she was on a god darn iPad advertisement hung up above a row of computers

Man that was so weird

19 February 2014

standing there watching them dance i thought that maybe i was sad after all that humans would eventually die

and riding home i was cold and my skeleton ached and i wondered how many times they have heard me screaming and hollering under lonesome oakland tunnels

16 February 2014

What you do is you take a staple gun and you pin a bunch of Pop-Tarts to the back of, say, convicted felons or political enemies or whatever and then barricade them inside an abandoned football stadium

Next you release hundreds of half-starved raccoons

Maybe they’re rabid as well

Film it live, put it on pay-per-view or whatever

16 February 2014

But seriously: how far off are we from having televised sex on stage in the middle of abandoned football stadiums

Just a bunch of people fucking on stage for all the world to see

Sponsored by Toyota and Doritos and all that shit

I’m thinking ten years or so

15 February 2014

People want heaven and they fear hell and what they fail to see is that both are within their grasp right here and all they have to do is choose

They have chosen hell!

15 February 2014

Oh god

For a moment I saw the ground drop away and I felt sad that everyone would die one day

12 February 2014

Tomorrow, God help me, I’m taking BART to Daly City to pick up a 2007 Police Interceptor that I have named THE DOOMSMOBILE

And then I’m going to drive it to the Trader Joe’s in Emeryville and go grocery shopping for the first time in three weeks