“trapped between two dumb worlds, belonging nowhere”

People don’t like it when I say this, but death really is the only truth

And if you think about it for 30 seconds it’s actually not depressing at all

(In fact it’s liberating)

I said good-bye forever to someone today and now I want something to kill me as soon as possible

“the long, dark dream of birth, death, and rebirth”

i think about this so often

it is on loop in my brain

I realize this is childish but at least once a day I spend a good five minutes silently hating rich people

It is 3:30 a.m. and I have enormous black rings around my eyes and my skin is stretched thin and see-through and I ought to sleep but I don’t want to

And I don’t want to because as soon as I wake up I will not be in control of my life for something like 72 god damn hours

I will have to be somewhere that isn’t right here so I can afford to have a “right here” to not be at

As I get older I get dumber, or at least I think about less and less . . . a lot has atrophied for the sake of survival, though I had no say in the matter

At midnight I go to the same gloomy bar and see the same miserable faces and it is this curiosity that keeps me from sleeping

I am curious as to what the hell else there is to these people who do not know my name and forget my face as soon as it vanishes from under the red lights

These people who want absolutely nothing to do with me . . . and why would they

They don’t know me

I don’t know them

I watch them from my corner seat with a shitty beer in my hand

After last call an East Bay Rat comes around and screams at everyone to leave and flicks on the little white light, shattering the dumb illusion that we play around in night after night

And I go home alone to sit in the center of my bed under dim lighting while soft music plays and write whatever the hell this is

At last call we got in the car

And drove like psychos

Through the dead city of Oakland

To the pathetic empty streets of Berkeley

Where we urinated on the clock tower

The moon hung up in the sky

Still swollen from the night before

Satisfied with our streams

We ran back to the car

Our noses inflamed

And everything else fried to hell

Scaring the few twerps on foot

With our howling

And manic stupid caveman laughter.

If they don’t shoot me down in the streets of Los Angeles next week I’ll be surprised

“Someone take that kid down pronto! I think he said something about having a ‘god damn fool’s hope’ for the dumb apes of the future!”