i just spent the last few hours pushing everything away so that i don’t have to feel anything anymore. i have no comfort in my life. i have written about this many times and it is no less true now. i buried my grandmother in a flower garden three weeks ago and i don’t want to see anyone anymore. i really do want everyone to go away. i hang around people who don’t care about me so that i don’t have to care about them either, but of course i do. i have no comfort. and i know it’s my fault that i’ll never get my hands on any of it because i’m designed that way. i took things off my wall and threw things away. all i can do right now is take a bunch of melatonin and go to sleep. it’s not even nine pm. nothing works anymore and i know that not having anything is what’s going to kill me. i am deeply unhappy and i don’t want to be alive anymore