06 November 2018

i have to superglue myself back together tonight, and then i’m going to the gym, for god’s sake, just to feel like i did something halfway healthy with myself in the last month. i can’t stand that place at all, though hell, i figure as long as i keep my head down and sweat a whole lot, i might come out the other end of the thing feeling at least a little better about myself. (whoa: the first time i wrote that sentence, i typo’d “feeling a little better about myself” as “a feeling a little bitter about myself.” hah! i suppose both things are possible, and probable even, what with it being me and all. . . .)

beneath my sweatshirt: the black KMFDM t-shirt i covered my scars with half my lifetime ago, when i was 15 years old and wrecked over a whole mess of things that are pretty much identical to the disasters i’m navigating through now. i went to school with my chest all sliced up and bloody, and so on, and feeling very alone with everything, and no end in sight. now i am twice as old and very little has changed for me. the psychic pain i can feel inside my head is nothing compared to the sadness i experience when acknowledging this fact. yikes.

o, spirit! help me. i really could go for a little relief right about now. i’m stupid, and sometimes i’m kind of a jerk, but for god’s sake please don’t leave me all alone down here!