well: today has been one god damn miserable disaster after another

“i have to go to sleep now” is something i would tell someone right now if they tried to talk to me—even if it wasn’t true

maybe it is true

jesus, i’m going to sleep

Oh, maybe you were telling me to fuck off or eat a grenade or something

Don’t be mistaken: when someone you used to know says “I’m doing really well” what they really mean is “I’m glad I don’t know you anymore”

I found an old email I wrote to a girl I used to date and in it I said I wished I smoked cigarettes so I could “feel myself dying little by little”

I’m sitting here thinking “Man, younger Ryan, you don’t need cigarettes to feel that way at all”

“not long now”

the long, dark dream of birth, death, and rebirth

“Hmm, yeah, it appears I have gathered enough food to last me the rest of the week so I guess I’m going to go back to my cool-ass treehouse and have sex and eat a fucking coconut or whatever.”

—Humans at some point in history, maybe

I saw a picture of you and it made me feel so sad

And I hate that I just wrote that sentence but for god’s sake at least it was an honest one

Layers if you want them

Above my desk is a tarot card I mysteriously found in my kitchen a few months ago. It was from an incomplete deck, which I have been told is bad luck. I took the card anyway because I liked the look of it, which is just as good a reason as any other.

On it, an enormous blond-haired angel blows a horn while pale, naked humans rise from their coffins to greet the sound with outstretched arms. They’re so excited, I imagine, because wherever they’re going is probably a whole heck of a lot better than being stuffed inside a god damn coffin.

I look at this card at least once a day and say aloud to absolutely no one at all (no friends): “Hurry the hell up already.”

When is judgement day? I wonder. Is it today?

So I sit here at my desk and wait. I have no wooden box to spring from, not yet, but I will meet the wail of the trumpet just the same. I do not know anything of the process after that, but I will say to the creature in charge of my fate, if it will hear me, “Do what you will, but know this, sir: mostly it was bad, but I really did try my best.”