oh! to be able to sleep again . . .

desperately my hand reaches for my pill case. i must once again call upon mighty trazodone. it is a sort of black magic . . . it does the job and yet its artificially feels impure! well, into the conjured chemical dream i go lol

On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio.

hunter s. thompson

Bethany sent me this a few years ago and the first time I heard it, I wept. Granted, I was Very Stoned at the time, but it’s still a beautiful cover . . .

I have to get back to Washington state at some point . . . I promised I would, so I’m looking into it now . . .

Fortunately, the Stardust Diner is still open. It’s in Vancouver, Washington . . . I drove there one day from Camas, after visiting the high school from TWILIGHT. Hey, it was on the way!

From this high vantage point, gazing back into and through the distant past as though it were a window, I know now that those handful of days I spent up there in Washington, having driven all the way from Oakland, were some of the best of my life. I knew it then, too. They were so pure and good . . . I think of them often. I tried to hold on to that original feeling as long as I could. Now I feel a small pain in its absence. I have the curse of remembering.

So what do I do with these days I live out now? The ones that, try as I might, just don’t compare to the ones which I am wounded at their remembrance?

To quote the good Doctor:

In a world as weird and cruel as this one we have made for ourselves, I figure anybody who can find peace and personal happiness without ripping off somebody else deserves to be left alone. They will not inherit the earth, but then neither will I . . . And I have learned to live, as it were, with the idea that I will never find peace and happiness, either. But as long as I know there’s a pretty good chance I can get my hands on either one of them every once in a while, I do the best I can between high spots.

Perhaps the peaks of those dreamy HALCYON DAYS are lost forever in the abyss of time, but maybe not . . . and so for now I will do the best I can between high spots, however few there are these days.

I was once happy in that place . . . as long as tickets aren’t $500, I think I will return to it soon, even if it hurts me to remember that time in my life from long ago which is gone now . . .

Julia said to me:

“YOU ARE SO SANE IN YOUR INSANITY”

. . . which is certainly one way of putting it!

hey, not bad . . .

i’ve been doing this poll once a year for like seven or eight years lol

and:

thank you, sarah!

listen: as a younger man, i was a mess. i was emotionally volatile and chaotic. a few good women tried in vain to fix me when they ought not to have. bless them! and then one day, in my early thirties, i got over myself. suddenly i was a Good Boyfriend. for lack of a better word, i chose love. what else is there?? and so nowadays i come at the world with total sincerity, even if it hurts me, which it often does. and yet i cannot do it any other way. i am imperfect, to be sure . . . i am a fool. but i always do my best . . . !!!

THERE IS A SCENE IN PARIS, TEXAS

. . . where Harry Dean Stanton cleans and polishes everyone’s shoes in the middle of the night because he can’t sleep. In the morning:

I too do this. I just put on a movie and condition and polish everyone’s boots while they’re sleeping. It is meditative. I love it . . .

Behold, Monty’s newly polished footwear:

. . . wow!

MEANWHILE,
ELSEWHERE . . .

AND SO SAYING: bring me your leather and I will make it look like new. I can do boots, jackets, belts . . . yeah dude . . .

AND IF YOU’RE TOO FAR AWAY: I’ll make YOU do it! It’s important!!

I RECALL FROM LONG AGO . . .

Well!

GOOD-NIGHT ☆彡