. . . may i just point out once again how absolutely bonkers it is that i ran into nicole the polish girl on the other side of the fucking planet?? i almost died in a plane crash and then 20 minutes later there she is at the airport in tokyo: one of the coolest people alive. man! i love it. it is beyond coincidence . . . it is beyond even my own comprehension. there is something powerfully mystical about the whole thing. something vast and eternal smiled down upon me that day. it has left me with a special feeling. i feel it every day

laura (🇩🇪) in repose (in my living room (in earth’s orbit (in space)))

Julia called me earlier and we discussed Many Things . . . and eventually veered into a Strange Topic, which I briefly discussed while standing on my balcony surveying the wintry landscape below. And during those thirty seconds I was out there, my friend / neighbor / little sister Isabel, who lives below me, happened to hear the strangest part of that strange topic. I love it!!

Perhaps one of you reading this will know the mystery woman we discussed was you. Listen: I’d be a good dad! People tell me that all the time!!

People do not realize just how much they are putting at risk when they don’t accept what life presents them with, the questions and tasks that life sets them. When they resolve to spare themselves the pain and suffering, they owe to their nature. In so doing, they refuse to pay life’s dues and for this very reason, life then often leads them astray. If we don’t accept our own destiny, a different kind of suffering takes its place: a neurosis develops, and I believe that that life which we have to live is not as bad as a neurosis. If I have to suffer, then let it be from my reality. A neurosis is a much greater curse! In general, a neurosis is a replacement for an evasion, an unconscious desire to cheat life, to avoid something. One cannot do more than live what one really is. And we are all made up of opposites and conflicting tendencies. After much reflection, I have come to the conclusion that it is better to live what one really is and accept the difficulties that arise as a result—because avoidance is much worse.

carl jung via leila

To save in SILENT HILL 2, lovelorn James Sutherland needs only to gaze into an ominous red square on the wall and press X:

I believe at one point he says something about them making his head hurt, or like he can feel something touching the inside of his mind, or some such thing . . .

Anyway: the other night when Elina was here and we were playing SH2, she asked me where my save point would be. I said, “You mean, in time? Where would I reload from in my life if I could?” and she said yes. The answer came immediately of course: “The year 2019.”

Last night while drifting off to sleep, I hazily approached the red square that had mysteriously appeared on my bedroom wall. I gazed into it. I felt something reach out and touch my mind. I had a dream about the year 2019. I was back in it again. My brain had reloaded from a save point I had made at the beginning of summer of that year, which was one of the best summers of my life. And so happily I wandered around inside it. I played the part of my 31-year-old myself, who had no idea how good he had it. I extinguished my memories of the future, knowing that after that summer, The Final Summer, the party would finally be over for all of us. I decided to simply absorb as much of that time and those people as I could before I awoke again into the dark uncertainty of 2026.

Why was 2019 so good? I have written of it many times on this very website:

Were I to come up with some sort of metric to assess the many years of my (adult life), it would quickly become clear that 2019 was the “best” one. What would be the criteria? I guess that means things like: 1) my house, 2) my car, 3) my job, 4) my friends, 5) my g-g-girlfriend(s), 6) things I did, 7) places I went, 8) people I met, 9) number of books I read, 10) number of movies I watched, and so on.

In which case: In 2019 I had a cool house and a cool car and a cool girlfriend. I had good friends who lived close by and who came over often, and had good friends from far away who stayed with me. I did a lot of new stuff and went on several trips and met a lot of cool people. I read a lot of books and watched a lot of movies. Yes, it was a good year, and probably the most amount of quote-unquote stability I’ve ever experienced. Nothing has ever really come close to it again.

And so saying, last night I lived inside my dream with all those people I love from back then for as long as my mind could sustain the illusion. My dream was a blend of my own memories and of photos taken by my good friend Tombo in Spain, who stayed with me for a whole month back then:

But it was not to last. Eventually something inside my sleeping body stirred and the dream world, the dream of the summer of 2019, began to collapse in on itself. My body had burned through all the Trazodone in my system. I felt a sadness as I watched my dream freeze in time and turn black and white and come apart. I had the sudden sensation of being terribly alone inside myself.

I opened my eyes and awoke at noon on my couch in Berlin in the winter of 2026, a few weeks after my 38th birthday. No more house, no more car, no more Pink-Haired Girl, no more Dante . . . I looked outside my balcony and saw that it had snowed overnight. I wondered at it all. My chest ached and I felt a longing. And then I stood up and stretched my skeleton and walked towards the kitchen to make coffee.

I am past scorching; not easily can’st thou scorch a scar.

moby-dick

today . . .

i met julia at muji in ku’damm, where i bought candles and pencils and soap and notebook paper . . . and julia bought the exact same blanket i have on my couch because she likes it so much

afterwards we took a bus to charlottenburg and walked through antique stores where i saw my father in a painting . . .

and laura and me as porcelain rabbits . . .

and when we parted, julia gave me a birthday present and a very sweet card, which i opened and read when i got home . . .

elina the estonian girl came over a little while later and began writing in her journal in english using a quill . . .

we made pizza and played SILENT HILL 2 and talked about what we’re going to film together later this week . . . which is a secret!!

sister elina has just left to catch the last train home, so now i am running a bath and making tea and burning one of my new muji candles, which smells like a bonfire

i’m planning a big thing . . . it involves the aforementioned filming. maybe it also means i will soon be where you are, provided you live in a densely populated metropolis. whoa! well: i ain’t gonna spoil anything. i guess you’ll just have to wait and see!!!

He had brought with him an ability to see things as funny no matter how bad he felt. Everybody in the circle clapped, and, glancing up, startled, he saw the ring of smiles, everybody’s eyes warm with approval, and the noise of their applause remained with him for quite a period, inside his heart.