i always get home and think: “did i do any permanent damage today?”

thomas theodor heine

this has been me for basically the entire last year

well: i am officially more convinced than not that i’m dead and whatever i think is my life is actually the afterlife . . . or else some sort of dream, and maybe a permanent one. there are a lot of reasons i have reached this conclusion, however tenuous it may be, though i am reluctant to spell it all out or else i’ll be committed. hah!

PUT SUCCINCTLY: i have experienced way too many spooky overlapping threads in my life for it to all be pure coincidence. i could chalk a few things up to chance, and initially i did. but now i’m at the point where it really does feel like something is dreaming me. the pieces fit too cleanly. hain’t natural is what i’m saying!

i am reminded of the PLATE OF SHRIMP scene from REPO MAN:

man, yeah. the real question is: am i alone here? or are we dreaming together?

ok fine: i’ll expound on this tomorrow. i just have to figure out a way to go about it without sounding absolutely bonkers. all i’m saying is that something weird is going on. it’s something cosmic. this has been a fear of mine forever, though maybe i ought to embrace it, assuming i ever know what it is. and let’s face it: i almost certainly never will.

welp . . . time for bed!!! ☆彡

There is an albino raccoon who lives by Lake Merritt in Oakland. I first saw him many years ago now . . . it was cold and nighttime, and I think in late November. And I was walking a lap around the perimeter of the lake when I saw him and his three siblings run in a single file across the sidewalk to some trash beneath a tree there. This was on the Lakeshore Avenue side. Somehow I was able to take a few pictures:

Sometime later, I remember my friend Alayna mentioned she had seen an albino raccoon by the lake, and I knew it had to have been the same one. And as time went on, other people mentioned that had seen him too. This dude seemed omnipresent.

Usually I end up at Lake Merritt when I feel rotten as hell and just want to be alone and near water. I have been doing this several times a month for probably a decade. Every now and then I would get lucky and see the albino raccoon and his three siblings. They’re always charging around like a single organism, with the albino in the middle. Seeing them felt like gazing into some secret world. I came to think of the albino raccoon as an elemental spirit or minor deity of the lake. Seeing him and his brothers felt like a little blessing.

And then I just sort of stopped going to Lake Merritt for a while on account of the pandemic, and being away from Oakland . . . so I stopped seeing the albino raccoon as well.

The other night I was walking home from the BART station on 19th Street. It was cold and felt kind of bad about some things for whatever reason. I turned onto Harrison and saw the fountain lit up and the birds sleeping on the wooden dock there. The homeless dude who usually sleeps on the stone bench was missing and I wondered at it. As I turned onto Grand Avenue, I saw three raccoons scamper across the street in a single file from the lake towards the Episcopal church nearby. The raccoon in the middle was the albino. I couldn’t believe it! It had been two years since I’d see him. I decided it was a good omen and felt a little better just then.

Well: I’m glad he’s still alive and running around out there with his brothers. He is the protector of lake . . . we need him! Albino raccoon, hallowed be thy name.

:,)

I am replaying DRAGON QUEST XI. What I do is I play an hour a night before I go to sleep, and then I don’t feel so bad anymore. I had forgotten how nice it is to play it. There is something really wholesome and gentle about this game . . . even villainy is innocent. Dragon Quest wants you to have a good time. It is never stressful and the writing is very good. Basically: it’s the sort of thing I need in these dark and final days.

Last time I played it, I had strep throat, and was the sickest I’d ever been in my life (till I contracted some mysterious illness on my 31st birthday in Berlin (covid??). This was September 2018, which feels like a million years ago now, and a happier time in my life. Even with strep throat I felt all right, because I had this massive luxurious 100-hour game to hang out with. And I was drinking like two gallons of tea a day, and eating soup, and I was jacked on DayQuil and home sick from work. Man! It was a good time.

ANYWAY: I am unfit to return to civilization, and there is not much that does it for me out there anymore . . . at least not right now. So I’m playing this again.

Yesterday I recruited Sylvando, who is the dude at the top, and who is an extremely gay and famous circus performer who owns a gigantic ship captained by a muscular S&M leather daddy in a pink gimp mask. Yeah man. I love it a lot!