I awoke on my couch in the late afternoon to see it was snowing outside . . . Elina and I had both taken half a Trazodone, hoping it would heavily sedate us before the sun came up, and it had essentially put us into a coma . . .

I could not rouse Elina and so I got up and made coffee and watched the snow fall from my kitchen window. The sun had already begun to set . . . I shotgunned my coffee and put on my jacket and went out onto the street in my pajamas and filmed the snow for a little while. There was barely anyone on the sidewalks. I wondered if it were a public holiday. I felt an uncanny feeling that I was still asleep and dreaming.

Back upstairs, sleeping Elina had burrowed into my comforter . . . I made a big-ass smoothie and sat down on the couch and thought about what we would watch when she finally woke up.

Lately I have been showing Elina some DUDES DONE WRONG movies . . .

. . . which was the theme of a movie night McCune and I used to host back in Oakland during The Beautiful Days. “Dudes Done Wrong” is simple and self-explanatory: a movie in which a Dude, be they man or woman, is Done Wrong by someone or something. Often this Dude then proceeds to get revenge upon the thing which did them wrong. You might call this drama. There are a million fine movies which fit inside this container. It’s a great theme!

Anyway: last night I had Elina watch MANDY and then DRIVE. I think she liked them both. I had not seen either in some time.

In DRIVE, Brother Gosling’s nameless driver character befriends his cute neighbor and her son. The cute neighbor is married, but her husband is in prison for a long time, and so they form a sort of romance. He comes to care for her and her son very deeply. But the deadbeat loser husband is released from prison early and comes home . . . he owes protection money to some guys he met on inside and now the bill has come due. The mobsters threaten to kill him and his entire family if he doesn’t do a job for them. So Gosling, a professional getaway driver, decides to help the deadbeat loser rip off a pawn shop in order to pay that debt for him . . . purely so the wife and son will be safe.

Elina accidentally said something very flattering: “That’s something you would do.”

And I thought: “Yeah . . . actually, I would do that (lol)~”

Now it is 7:30 pm and Elina is finally waking up, so I reckon we’re going to walk through the snow to Edeka to buy avocados and use them for some guacamole recipe she found. And then we’ll do what we always do, which is get stoned and film things and watch movies and play SILENT HILL 2. I have told Elina she’s my intern now and she said she’s OK with that. I’m going to have business cards made for her and everything. Hey man, why not . . . I love it . . .

CLUNG TO ME LIKE A MIRACLE

tonight my ESP abilities flared up and my body was immediately flooded with adrenaline and cortisol . . . i felt insane just then

listen: i sensed distress somewhere far away

if i can manage to make myself fall asleep, i will see what my dreams reveal . . .

me too

i love it

gustave doré

Today is Valentine’s Day. I awoke to a sharp pain in my chest. I immediately knew the source of that pain— a pain which is an absence. And I remembered a thing I wrote last month about the former tenants of my nervous system:

When someone has been abandoned their entire life I feel a special sort of sadness for them. They could have lived within my nervous system as long as they needed to and I never would have kicked them out. It was always a free gift given freely . . . there was never a bill coming due. It was enough for me that they felt safe. I let them stay because I loved them. Someone once loved me in that way and I have never forgotten what it felt like. That love is beyond words— it must be felt. If you live long enough you will come to see how rare that sort of love is. You are beyond lucky if you experience it even once. And yet you cannot force them to stay because staying would require them to believe that they are worthy of it. They were all worthy of it. I still feel their absence in my body every day.

gego is my valentine

i need him!!