it is always a little sadness to me when i realize in a friendship (whichever one it may be) that i’m the one who reaches out 100% of the time. the other person only ever responds to me but never initiates. it makes me think that i want to be their friend more than they want to be mine, which is fair . . . but it is still a little sadness nonetheless. how could it not be? and then i get this dark suspicion that rather than them considering me a friend, maybe they just regard me as some weird annoying guy who they merely tolerate. oops! reckon that’s just fear and paranoia talking. i’ll never know unless they say so. in the real world, in nearly all cases, it’s not that people don’t like you . . . it’s just that they don’t think of you. what can you do? anyway, i always endeavor to approach everything with good intentions, so outside of that, ultimately there’s nothing i can do otherwise. and so i say: well baby then aloha.

I have been watching everything Danny McBride has ever made on account of I love that dude, and after bearing witness to dozens of hours of TV shows and movies he wrote / produced / directed / starred in, I have decided with finality that the dude is a genius. Have you seen that new Halloween trilogy he wrote? I can’t believe people didn’t like them . . . they’re so good. Forgive my saying so, but he’s a Real Artist.

The other day McCune spoke thusly: “I have been saying this since Halloween (2017/18) that Danny McBride is going to make/direct an incredible film before he dies. An important one.”

I agree!

Anyway: I have finally arrived at Righteous Gemstones and I dig it so far. And three episodes in, I have already found myself:

Within thirty seconds of meeting Walton Goggins’ character, who is named Baby Billy Freeman, he rises up triumphantly from an outdoor clawfoot bathtub on the shoreline of a lake and speaks of improving his life and that of his redheaded wife’s while his penis is absolutely in the foreground. I love it. That dude rules too.

I am currently suffering from some unknown ailment that is not covid, which I tested negative for twice, nor is it mono, since I’ve already had it during a miserable winter in Portland some time ago, and so it is now lying dormant in my body forever, and I am thus immune. And near as I can tell, it is also not strep because I don’t see exudate in the back of my throat, which you can’t miss . . . it’s very disgusting. But I am having that hot and cold feeling, the one where you never really get warm and even shiver and break out in a cold sweat in a hot bath, and the only time I ever felt that way was on strep. That was also the sickest I’ve ever been in my life. This was fall 2018, and Dragon Quest XI had just come out, a luxurious and super chill 100+ hour game, and so I had a real good time hallucinating and playing that thing all the livelong day. What I got right now is three seasons of Righteous Gemstones, so I figure I’ll swill down some cherry-flavored Severe Nitetime cold and flu medicine and sedate myself into dark dreamless abyss sleep until noon or so . . . and then wake up and keep plowing through this thing. It’s a way better plan than staring at the wall!!!

Though yeah: Dude rules.

OK . . . goodnight~ ☆彡

brother kerwin once said to me: “once you realize it’ll never be ok, it’s ok”

. . . I had gone to no such place but to the smoke of cafés and nights when the room whirled and you needed to look at the wall to make it stop, nights in bed, drunk, when you knew that that was all there was, and the strange excitement of waking up and not knowing who it was with you, and the world all unreal in the dark and so exciting that you must resume again unknowing and not caring in the night, sure that this was all and all and all and not caring.

i remember finishing ‘a farewell to arms’ in new orleans one summer a long time ago, and i always remember this passage. i remember it because i know exactly what this feels like, and how it describes a good deal of my adult life, and how i miss that place and that feeling now

pretty sure i’ve said this verbatim before

also escape from LA rules

tomorrow is my birthday. so i’m on a bus headed up to new york city to spend the weekend with my friends there. if you are reading this and also in new york, you’re invited to my birthday party. just email me!