18 September 2018

i told my little sister today to prepare herself, because in all likelihood and not too long from now she’s going to have a young german sister-in-law via a sham marriage to keep me in ol deutschland

to which she replied: “yeah i figured”

lol

(remind me to scrub this post When The Time Comes)

18 September 2018

woof . . . i have been ingesting way too many things your parents warned you about

feelin as hollow as a freakin jack-o-lantern these days

well: so be it

what’s the alternative? being screamingly aware or yourself??? forget that!

18 September 2018

a few minutes ago i made the sad executive decision to just stop talking to a few of people i know. it’s too painful anymore. at least for one or two of them, i have a dark suspicion that they will never contact me again anyway . . . i was really the only one keeping it alive. i’ll seeya in ether y’all, unless i don’t

18 September 2018

What is this website? A sad little tomb I alone inhabit in a half-alive state? Yes, I guess that is what it is. That’s fine. If the world is prison, and this tomb is my jail cell, then I suppose there are worse places to be. My lonely hovel at the end of the world! wrought by my own trembling hands during the empty hours of the night!

Anyway: A few weeks ago I mentioned in some post that I had made my archives beautiful. I did this because I was going insane and I needed something to occupy my time. In this same post I hinted that I had also worked on “invisible” things as well. Today I was feeling absolutely out of my mind once again, and so to keep myself from sliding a kitchen knife through my ribs and fatally puncturing my heart, I finished a few of those invisible things and have made them visible to you. Who are you, anyway? I wonder sometimes. Probably I’m just talking to myself anymore, which is, yes, par for the course.

At any rate: My “”features”” page looks halfway decent now, and maybe in these trying times that’s all you can really hope for. I cleaned up the individual essays and stories in there as well . . . gave them nice bold titles, and so on, because what the hell else am I going to with myself other than fantasize about kitchen knives and Antarctic burials.

What else did I do? I don’t know. I cleaned up the “”about”” page as well. I got rid of some of the more worthless information and kept a few things that didn’t seem as worthless (but are still worthless nonetheless—don’t worry!). I added some more “trivia” (lol) for the two or three of you who have ever read that stuff.

I got some more stuff but for now I need to do some push-ups and eat a handful of friendly capsules and go the hell to sleep. If I stay up any longer I think I’ll really lose it. I will finish the other invisible things when I feel insane enough to require a distraction from my own crumbling mortality, which will probably be two or three hours from now.

THE END!

. . . or as Akira Kurosawa would say:

17 September 2018

i feel like i’m losing my ability to see the dreamy complexity behind something, like i can’t believe in the secret nature of things anymore. i want to but it’s not working

because every day this dreaminess is stripped from some thing i wondered about before. it’s only a matter of time before i run out of things to be curious about

day after day i can’t shake the idea that behind most things, and especially when it comes to human beings, is a big horrible black hole of absolute emptiness

there is nothing hiding behind the furniture and there is no hidden place to crawl into and see something new

just a shrieking vacuum of nothing!

you can’t help but envy children sometimes. i don’t necessarily miss times and people and places that are gone (though i do definitely do) so much as the softer / gentler mind i had when i lived through it all. everything now gets filtered through a badly damaged brain, and i cannot conceive of a future for myself where that doesn’t change in any other way except for the worse

16 September 2018

well i’ve got to say: i read this and it felt exactly like the sort of thing i would write lol