i got the vaccine today and this is the bandaid the nurse put on me afterwards 🥺

I had A DOUBLE DREAM. I didn’t know it right away of course. In the deepest layer I had some sort of nightmare that I was able to wake myself from after somehow becoming lucid, maybe out of sheer terror. Even though I knew it was a dream, I still wanted out of it. I awoke inside a bathtub in a dark room that I didn’t recognize, so I figured I had only emerged out of one layer of the thing. The tub was empty but I was soaked and freezing. I closed my dream eyes and managed to will myself out of it altogether. When I opened my real eyes, I was covered in my own cold sweat.

If I am lucid and I need to evacuate myself from a nightmare, I can do so by making my actual body breathe heavily. Why this works I don’t know. This trick is particularly useful if I am experiencing sleep paralysis, which only happens once or twice a year. But it does work for nightmares too.

I figured this out a long time ago when I was briefly taking an antidepressant that caused sleep paralysis every single time I took it. I told my girlfriend at the time: “If you hear me breathing heavily, just wake me up.” I only took it for a few days, but I remember there was one night she had to wake me up six or seven times because I was twitching and rapidly moving my eyes beneath my eyelids. Talk about a nightmare!! It is a suffocating feeling, like being imprisoned inside your own body. Fortunately I have gotten to the point where I can do it by myself . . . but even still: my being able to (barely) control my breathing to wake myself up feels like trying to tunnel out of a collapsed mineshaft with a fuckin teaspoon!

Though yes: the double dream! It is rare. I don’t know what prompted it. Who knows anymore, really??

Last night I had one of my recurring nightmares, which is the one where I end up with a bunch of extremely bad tattoos and I spend the rest of the nightmare looking at them in the mirror and wondering how I let myself do that. Like in the dream I’ll be at a tattoo parlor, and the guy says, “So what kind of tattoo do you want?” and I’ll say, “Aw man, whatever you think looks good.” And then he gives me like some early 2000s tribal shit, or a Sailor Jerry tattoo, or sometimes both. It’s awful. Lord, last night I ended up with the Superman symbol on my forearm. I woke up nearly screaming.

The others I have written about before:

  • not being able to fly when I need to escape someone who is pursuing me
  • punching someone and the punch being completely ineffective
  • trudging through a snowy forest at night with a skeleton that weighs 300 pounds
  • my high school guidance counselor telling me I don’t have enough credits to graduate on the last day of senior year
  • having sex with someone I’ve never seen before whose face keeps shifting subtly in the dark (this one suuuccckkkksssss)
  • being with someone in a house, usually my dad or my grandmother or my sister or an old girlfriend, and then briefly leaving the room to explore, and then returning to the room to find that they have vanished, which is extremely sad
  • being shot a bunch of times with a machine gun and feeling actual pain in my chest when I wake up
  • falling from a great height and feeling actual pain in my legs when I wake up
  • walking around or riding the JR train in Tokyo and then realizing I’m dreaming (I always realize I’m dreaming during these, and then I just try to enjoy it for what it is, even though I know it isn’t real (lol))
  • being visited by someone I know who has died and having a conversation about what they’ve been up to in The Other World, and experiencing the great sadness of knowing they will go away again
  • being chased and / or chasing my doppelganger in a small vacant 1950s town at night

and so on. Never had the teeth-falling-out nightmare and I feel like everyone has that one??

Well! I can count on having at least six or seven of these a month. I guess it all depends on how stressed out I am. When I am stressed out, it tends to manifest itself secretly inside of me, and I am only faintly aware of it. Maybe that’s unhealthy. Man, I don’t know.

I can’t ever really fall asleep naturally. I have to decide to go to sleep. And then I just wait for it to happen. Melatonin is like an SOS thing for me, and same with magnesium citrate. You have strange dreams on both, but way worse nightmares on melatonin. Magnesium citrate dreams are trippy and sometimes I like them, but they linger, and I’m in a half-dream state for like several hours after I wake up. It’s difficult to live like that. What mitigates nightmares for me are passion flower capsules. I met a girl at Ruby Room once who told me that. I told her I couldn’t sleep, and she said, “Oh, you’ve got to try passion flower.” I was incredulous at the time . . . but then I tried some and they really do work. I couldn’t believe it. Hardly anything ever works. Passion flower sleep is a deep dark dreamless sleep. It rules. It doesn’t hurt that the stuff is dirt cheap too. You can get 100 capsules for like ten bucks. That’s 50 nights of newborn baby sleep! I usually just open the capsules and dump the contents into chamomile tea. But tonight, just now, I swallowed two of them whole, so I reckon it’s time to lie down in the dark and see what happens.

OK, well . . . sweet dreams!! ☆彡

mccune and i discussing “”modern fiction””!!!

seriously have you tried to read any of that trash

yeah . . . me neither lol

um hello it looks like i’m getting my first pfizer shot on monday?? reckon i’ll be fully immunized by the end of april. that rules. yeah.

my good friend mable sent me this. that’s us in palmisano park in bridgeport when i was visiting chicago in september. that’s mable in the middle and her roommate annabelle on the left. her other roommate erin took the picture. i forget what that dude’s name was but he was really nice and gave me a cigarette. and that’s li’l ol me in the background pondering something, i guess . . . probably my own death!

we just hung out all night on that blanket drinkin beer and smoking spliffs and listening to crickets and townes van zandt. mable told me later it was one of the last warm nights before the cold set in.

once i got that vaccine coursing through me, i’m gonna go visit everyone in chicago again. gayle is hiding out there, for god’s sake. i haven’t seen her since laura’s birthday party in golden gate park last may. and i wanna see hali too. man, i miss everyone so much.

anyway, yeah . . . that was a nice li’l night we had there together in palmisano park :,-)

Last week my spirit-brother, DELICIOUS MCCUNE, took off his shirt and put on his sunglasses and leather jacket and braved hell’s hot breath for all us sinners . . . by which I mean he bore witness to the newly-released four-hour cut of JUSTICE LEAGUE live and in technicolor for the whole world to see.

When he informed me of his commitment to perform this miserable ritual, I said, “Man, you wanna watch that thing again? It almost lobotomized us the first time!” McCune was torn asunder when I said this, because he had completely forgotten we had, in fact, seen it together with our spirit-brother Swampy Kerwin back in 2017 at the Alameda Theatre & Cineplex on the island of Alameda in Oakland, California. We had gone, the three of us, out of pure self-loathing. We had felt like punishing ourselves for some reason, and decided to brave those godless waters together. It is the only movie I’ve ever seen in a theater where I just gave up and pulled out my phone and started texting people until the lights came up. McCune fell asleep at some point but I know he at least saw the first hour. Thing is, I only really remember the drive there and back again . . . the movie itself, as McCune has descrived such things, is “anti-memory”. A good movie is generous and it gives you things. These types of movies, the ones that induce anti-memory, only take things away from you, never to return. What they leave behind is agony.

Up until last week, I had mercifully forgotten about the existence of JUSTICE LEAGUE altogether, so powerful was its ability to destroy itself inside my mind. To hear those words again recalled only the particular sadness I had felt as we left the theater that night in 2017. What had actually occurred in the film, what was at stake, the dreams and motivations of these characters and their ultimate fates . . . these are things I would not be able to recount even if I stood before a grand jury facing the death penalty. They had been swallowed up into the eternal darkness of mind, if they had ever even existed to begin with, and become anti-memory. All I knew was that I would rather eat part of my own neck than fall dick-first into a four-hour-long version of this god damn thing. But I did not want my brother to bear the wilderness alone, so of course I tuned in out of solidarity. It was sheer misery from beginning to end, but we had us a good ol time anyway.

I took some screenshots:

Man, just the most embarrassing trash you could ever lay eyes on. And like, it’s not just that it’s insultingly stupid, or whatever . . . it’s that it doesn’t actually contain even the simplest, most barebones elements of storytelling?? Were these guys out to lunch the day the rest of the class learned what a basic fucking story arc is??? Yes, this is a movie made for children and adults who wish they were still children, but even as a thing you Look At and are supposed to be Entertained By, it fails to thread scenes together coherently, and is thus this tedious slog of meaningless images we, the audience, are incapable of finding compelling. It almost feels totally random what order anything is in . . . like it doesn’t even matter. Even a bad movie can achieve a sort of internal logic, but JUSTICE LEAGUE is incapable of even this. You start to feel sick gazing upon this thing as you realize that they spent $300 MILLION DOLLARS to say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING over the course of FOUR HOURS. This movie cost more than the GDP of like every country in South America, and, behold, it is the film equivalent of cereal. It exists, I guess, for the sake of existing. That’s pretty pathetic dude!!!

And why would we intentionally watch something so heinous and hatefully empty? Something that was obviously created out of pure contempt for its own audience? The most charitable way I can describe our intentions is that we wanted to better understand Whatever The World Is Now. You gotta know who the enemy is, man. At least to some degree, the kind of entertainment a society produces is a lens through which we can view society itself. Right?? If we produce and consume sick entertainment / art / whatever, then maybe we, as a society, are sick. OK??

lol

Anyway, I transcribed some of McCune’s musings that, to me, represent a grand summation of this strange shared experience:

We’re watching something that, in real life—this occurs. People die, but they’re part of horrific accidents. Parents lose children, children lose parents, they wallow in suffering for sometimes days at a time before expiring. And we’re watching this inside of a comic book movie where you feel nothing for these terrible incidents that actually happen, because they are used like a condom to fuck a story. Well really, to penetrate your mind, to pull the trigger in the audience’s mind, that this is serious. They use it to make you feel engaged with it. They use your humanity against you to facilitate their poor, disgusting, weak, and quite frankly, pathetic “works”. Makes me sick, man. It makes me sick.

Whenever I call this stuff baby food—that is entirely accurate. Because baby food is a ready-made substance to be digested for early lifeforms, as to not aggravate the digestive system, but supplying them with an adequate amount of nutrition. In this case an adequate amount of nutrition for a movie is something to look at. The easily-digestible part is just, in this case, is nonsense. So you can just see it and it’s just like, “Don’t worry, turn your brain off, just enjoy, like, the weird images.” Unfortunately I’m the incorrect sort of person where it’s like—I would like meaning in my art and my images because that’s the only reason that they’re worthwhile being engaged in.

Man, you know what I really hate? I really hate when I read doughy idiots talk about, like, “Comic books are just like what the Greeks used to do, which is create a pantheon of gods that then they told stories about, and then passed down generations of wisdom—uuooHHH—through myth—uuooHHH.” Are you kidding me? Don’t you dare insult the forebears of fucking Western Civilization and the current world we live in, by pretending that this stuff has in any way, shape, or form—the interest, heft, symbolism, or meaning of Old Myth. OK? Seriously. I don’t know why I’m watching this dumbass story. I’m so upset.

I am shivering with fear about the generations of humans that find this stuff engaging.

If you wanna watch the whole thing: here it is! I cannot imagine it would be much fun to watch not-live, because of course part of whatever we got out of it (???) came from the camaraderie of hating it together. But if you got four hours you want to toss into a screaming black hole, have at it. All I can say is . . . pack a diaper before you honk on down to Baby Town!!

You ever look up at the moon and wish it were forested, and had a smallish ocean and streams and rivers and lakes, and is oxygen-rich and has earthlike-gravity, and on and on?? And hell, maybe its own unique animals, all of them herbivores, cuz why not. That would be so cool to look up and see that, and know that it’s up there etc. I think about that all the time~

The inevitable downside to such of thing is that of course there would be fucking strip malls and oil refineries and waterfront condos for millionaires and whatever else toxic bullshit . . . really any human-made travesty you can imagine. Hah!

Well! It is just a dream in my mind, so I envision it as a peaceful utopia. Sue me!!