Yes, I am an adult called Ryan Starsailor. OK? I’m just some creep from a podunk south of Washington, DC and have since lived in Baltimore, Austin, Oakland, Berkeley, New Orleans, Portland, and Berlin. (I liked Berlin best. I should go back there.) But here’s the thing, and take it from me: as interesting as it can be, moving is real expensive, and often lonely. I wouldn’t recommend doing it as much as I have. Why did I do it? Because I’m a deliberate fool, and that’s the worst kind of fool.
For over half my life I have been publishing stuff on the internet, and nobody has stopped me yet. In all the eight years since I first made this website, I have written nearly 5,000 posts spanning 500 pages. Most of it consists of midnight wailing, confessions offered up to strangers on the other side, screenshots of pretentious black and white movies, pictures of cats I saw while out walking at night, and mountains of absolute nonsense that I should probably feel more embarrassed about. Oh well! You can read as much or as little as you want. I’m not going to tell you what to do. That being said, I don’t know why you would.
Look: I’m gonna add some more stuff soon. But for now, I reckon this’ll have to do. Thanks for reading!
Send me an email: email@example.com! I love it when people do that. I will try to get back to you as soon as I can.
Laura Rokas is a world-famous French-Canadian multimedia artist from Montreal. She’s also my best friend!
Brandon Sheffield is a game designer from Oakland who always feeds me noodles when I go to his house, and is probably one of the most honest and principled dudes I know??
Tombo is my spirit brother and a photographer who lives in Spain most of the time. He also lived on my couch for a month one summer.
Nick Splendorr is a web designer from Athens who also happens to be a national treasure. He has a great singing voice!
Jenny Jiao Hsia is a talented game designer from New York who has a beautiful dog and who sometimes lets me sleep on her couch in Brooklyn.
Sam Spano is a visual artist I met in Oakland a long time ago. He paints these huge paintings of cats and flowers and women who may or may not be real. Sam has a big beard and a hearty musk (lol)~
Big Delicious is a polymath stoner sage from Ohio who creates incredible music. We met in Japan twelve years ago and have been brothers ever since. Ooo-yeeaaaUHHHH!!
@starpuncher (sanity hiatus!)
Nintendo Switch: SW-7500-6665-5416 (cool people only!)
Ko-fi: If you wanna throw in a buck or two, which I will use exclusively to pay for my cat’s extremely expensive prescription cat food.
T-Shirts: I have a little store where I sell soft black T-shirts that are maybe too esoteric. Really I just make these shirts so that I can wear them. Though hey, now you can too!
I also have a wishlist ya know . . . just sayin~
. . . that I:
- . . . grew up in a suburb of Washington, D.C., and have since lived in Baltimore, Austin, Oakland, Portland, Berkeley and Berlin?
- . . . own multiple pairs of purple boxer briefs?
- . . . am 76%~ asexual?
- . . . have fair skin and, according to an optometrist in Oregon, have very little retinal pigment—which is why the inside of my house is lit like a Bangkok karaoke bar?
- . . . have a gold front tooth?
- . . . am incapable of procreating on account of a vasectomy I had that cost me all of $25 in the form of an insurance copay?
- . . . cut my own hair, which is why it’s bad?
- . . . am dumb, and also stupid?
- . . . am an insane loser?
- . . . am maybe disliked by a handful of people, but probably not hated?
- . . . drink a gallon of green tea every day?
- . . . can count fluently in German?
- . . . always watch movies with subtitles on?
- . . . will not watch that TV show you recommended?
- . . . love fruit?
- . . . have a favorite book, which is MOBY-DICK? (duh!!)
- . . . can’t feel at home in this world anymore?
- . . . will most likely die alone on purpose during a self-imposed exile in Antarctica?
- . . . once slept on an elementary school playground in Providence, Rhode Island?
- . . . used to deliver donuts within a seventy-mile radius of the Bay Area?
- . . . was briefly a cab driver in San Francisco, California?
- . . . was the doorman at an Irish Pub in Oakland, California?
- . . . was the personal assistant to a well-known artist in Baltimore, Maryland?
- . . . was a copywriter at a large biotech company in Austin, Texas?
- . . . was fired from a law firm for contracting the swine flu?
- . . . tested over a dozen experimental medications to help pay for college?
- . . . was hired by the U.S. government to test a malaria vaccination that ended up working?
- . . . have dated two painters with French names?
- . . . was once asked to sire a child for a woman who wanted to be a single mom?
- . . . threw up on a wall at the MacArthur BART station in Oakland, California while a hundred people watched on?
- . . . used to own a decommissioned P71 V8 Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor, which was stolen four times?
- . . . flew to Tokyo when I was 19 years old and slept on the living room floor of good ol’ Tim Rogers?
- . . . have made out with the lead singer of Deer Tick on two separate occasions?
- . . . used to live with my Canadian and Australian pen pals?
- . . . have not eaten meat in over ten years?
- . . . am nicknamed “Starbaby”?
- . . . have been referred to more than once as a “lonely diatribe”?
- . . . was hugged by Sir Ian McKellen at a cafe in Berkeley, California after complimenting him on his portrayal of King Lear?
- . . . am little more than a garbage bag filled with rained-on newspapers that someone accidentally stapled to a scarecrow?