At the heart of my distrust for all authority figures / agencies is this simple question: “What kind of person wants to be in charge of something?”

I have not washed my hair with anything except apple cider vinegar and / or vitamin E oil in over three years


The end!

I try not to hate anyone, especially children, but I am sad to say that as of today I have decided that I absolutely hate the baby who lives next door to me

That dude is an asshole


God dang it, this is definitely one of the greatest albums a human ever made

I think so, anyway, but then what do I know~ ☆



Today I starred in an informercial for a show that is going to take place on top of a gigantic halfpipe a few blocks from my house

If you jerks need me, I’ll be listening to ‘The Ballad of El Goodo’ till sunrise

I have heard people say “Well, Mercury is in retrograde ya know!” about a billion times in the last few months. They say it when they don’t know what else to say. And god love them for it, I guess, because what really is there ever to say??

Anyway: It’s just a weird thing I’ve noticed is all. I could say, “It’s hot as hell out here” or “I feel exhausted” and unfailingly someone would reply with, “Well, Mercury is in retrograde ya know!” And I would say, after a pause, “Uh, OK.” They may as well have burped, if you ask me. At least then it would have been honest.

Have you noticed that everyone is saying “on point” and “killing it” and “current mood [picture of Scully from The X-files]”? Have you noticed that people are saying “squad goals” and “that [blank] tho”? And “rad” and “stoked”? And all this other dumb crap that previously existed but is now spreading like god damn VD at summer camp in any conversation or online interaction you ever have?

Because I sure have noticed!

Man, it used to be that people just kind of talked about some stuff based on their lives and the areas they lived in. Now everyone everywhere is reading the same source, The Internet®, and it has made talking to people worse than ever!

I know absolutely nothing about what is going on in the world. I don’t watch TV or listen to the news or even read any websites. I don’t have accounts on any social media platforms. Maybe it is difficult for people to talk to me because I just don’t participate in the same stuff. When someone asks me if I have seen something, or heard about something, my response (in my brain) is usually “I don’t know what that is.” I truly don’t!

I know I sound like some grumpy jerk but man I just really can’t stand having the same hollow prepackaged conversations over and over again. Yeah, there’s nothing new under the sun, but for god’s sake, how hard is it to say something halfway original?

(Good thing Mercury is no longer in retrograde (whatever the fuck that means (someone recently told me Venus is now in retrograde (ugggghhhh).))

If I wanted to join the crowd, I guess I would dye my hair silver, move to New York City, and go around telling everyone I’m an artist