I am terrified when someone who self-identifies as a “writer” publishes an essay / story that has a one-word title, and begins with a sentence like “I open my eyes.”

and rocky said, ‘doc it’s only a scratch’

i don’t wanna be alone anymore

(lol)

hah hah what

no way

am i working on this???

working on a new business card

my favorite expression that my brain automatically produces when i spot one of these types in the wild is “. . . get a load of this linkedin-dot-com-looking motherfucker”

well guys, just wanted y’all to be first to know that i’m moving to new york to make $32k a year being a social media maven!!!

. . . wait, no, i’d rather have 10 gallons of rat poison pumped into my body intravenously (lol)

should i just get it over with and pick an addiction already

i mean who am i kidding here, really

should it be codeine

is it going to be codeine

codeine, as my old buddy townes van zandt tells us, is a good buddy to have

he don’t drink or steal or cheat or lie, you know

codeine that is

it is 10 god-hating degrees outside.