recently i have been writing little skits and filming them by myself and playing all the characters and having to use my grandfather’s thick-ass old books as a tripod

and a number of the people who i mentioned earlier today, people who mysteriously wrote me off and disappeared, have suddenly gotten in contact with me again to say they like them

and then they ask me when i’ll be in oakland next!

i’m talking four different people here!!

what the fuck guys :-/

i am essentially trapped on a small asteroid containing only chain restaurants and identical suburban houses and i have no way to leave without walking and that would mean walking for miles and miles and i have no other way to procure alcohol so i think i’m about to drink four 187ml bottles of white zinfandel (which are in plastic bottles by the way) that i’m pretty sure my grandmother bought like five years ago

good lord these are going to kill me

i have to disconnect my brain somehow!

Immediately after I graduated from college my girlfriend and I split and I was homeless and I felt like complete hell so I self-exiled myself in Virginia for the month of January. My father let me stay in his basement. He had a wood stove and every morning I would wake up and split wood in the freezing cold. Then at night I would drink way too much crappy beer and tend to the wood stove. It was nice. I was upset with myself but my job was to keep the house warm and so I did that. (One night I somehow got really drunk and went canoeing by myself at two in the morning and it was snowing. I still don’t know how that happened!)

Anyway, it is five years later, and I am more or less in the same situation. I don’t feel bad about most of it. I won’t be here long. I am writing some truly dumb things in the meantime (before I was hardly writing anything at all). I have been filming a lot to distract myself from all that terrible energy in my brain. I had a car but it is gone now, so I can no longer drive to the cemetery in Nokesville to Think About Some Shit, which is probably good. I still walk around remembering disasters. Though hey, how could I live a day of my life without doing that!!!

I don’t know, man. I don’t really want anything anymore. I don’t even want to know anything. Really I want so few things. I dream about them sometimes, about those few things. How nice it would be to have them!

can’t sleep

haven’t slept in weeks

and if by some miracle i do fall asleep for a few hours i have horrifyingly detailed dreams about the very things that keep me from sleeping in the first place

and when i wake up my whole body is numb and shaky and it takes me a few minutes to calm myself down

2015 was a strange year in that, a decent number of people said to me, “I like you a lot and I want to be around you”

To which, if I felt the same way, I would reply: “Oh! That’s real cool because I like you a lot too”

. . . and then they sure did run the hell away from me as fast as they could!

Today when I was driving around the dreary-ass nothingness that is my hometown I saw a bumper sticker on a gigantic tank-sized SUV that said this:

GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS
ESPECIALLY OUR SNIPERS……………..

And as always I said aloud to myself: “Um, OK.”

it would be cool if you could throw up a feeling so you could then pick it up off the floor and shove it down a garbage disposal.

if the name of your company ends in the suffix “-ly” then you should probably just admit to yourself that you’re destroying the world with sterile bloodless inhuman creepiness and should give our grandchildren a chance by jumping into a volcano

(maybe this post only makes sense to people who have lived in the bay area)

look i don’t want to sound like yoda or some shit but i’m gettin kind of tired of this “find yourself” crapola!!!! it sounds like such a copout to me. your glowing blue soul-being is not, like, hiding somewhere in the world while your sad empty husk of a body searches for it. sheesh. give me a fucking break. man you gotta freakin make yourself. build yourself up! meet some cool people! meet some dumb people! think about stuff! steal a UH-72A lakota helicopter! jerk off! read! et cetera~

it is a lot of work is what i’m saying! it’s not some sherlock holmes bullshit.