hey everyone it’s laura rokas

RYAN STARSAILOR
☆彡
1988–2019
HE NEVER COMPROMISED—
AND LOOK WHAT GOOD
THAT DID HIM!

It is extremely gross and weird to me when two people who you know for a fact dislike or even hate each other (usually because they’ve told you so!!) outwardly pretend to be friends on the internet. What the heck is that? Buncha freakin spineless cheese-dick marshmallow-filled burritos on this rock, man.

hello

i am greasy

also i somehow cut my lip and it sucks

In the 1970s Fender produced a weird unpopular guitar called the “Starcaster”! Whoa!

Here are some old-ass low-res ads for it:

(I guess the Starcaster was a Starmaker too? Whoa knows~)

Cool!!!

For six months I have felt Exhausted and Worn Down and Generally Unwell. I figured I probably had mono. I got blood work done in Portland but nothing came up. I now realize I got it done too early for anything to show up. Reckon there’s an “incubation period” for viruses and the like.

I got good health insurance, don’t you know, so I went down to see my doctor, who is real cool and nice. She ordered labs for me to figure out why I felt like I was trapped inside the body of an 85-year-old man.

(The woman who took my blood asked me what color bandaging I wanted, and I asked if she had purple. She did! I got my arm wrapped in dark purple sticky gauze. I said, “That’s my favorite color right there” and she gave me the whole roll!)

This morning I got an email from my doctor. She confirmed that I have the epstein barr virus . . . that I have mono! Which is now “dormant” and “no longer acute” and I am not contagious or anything like that. Like all viruses, it will live inside of my body for the rest of my life, which is fine with me as long as these lingering residual symptoms clear the fuck up soon. She said it was almost certain they would!

She also sent along this huge document containing all my different levels, or whatever . . . sodium and protein and calcium and potassium and all that stuff. I asked her: “Doc, are my levels good?”

To which she said: “The metabolic panel indicates normal electrolytes, kidney, and liver function. The CBC is also normal and there were no signs of anemia or infection. HIV screen was negative.”

. . . my body, she told me, has built up antibodies toward mono, and so I guess this will probably always show up during lab work. OK!

Who the hell gave me mono? Some jabroni in Portland I reckon. I’m sorry I passed it along to you, A. I thought I didn’t, but I definitely did.

At any rate, I don’t have cancer and I don’t have HIV. I am not anemic. That’s got to count for something.

Yeah well that’s all I got to say about THAT~

BONUS

Hey what the hell, take a look at this stuff if you want. “EBV” is epstein barr virus aka mono, obviously:

sittin here listening to ‘loveless’

yeah baby

“when you sleep” over here

also:

. . . i love bilinda butcher (up front) a lot, ok. this picture was i guess taken during THE LOVELESS ERA and oh my god dude

the ryan who you know, who writes all this garbage day in and day out,  is a huge idiot. i am an idiot. i say so much stupid stuff

inside my head is a calmer and more rational version of myself. it is the voice i hear inside my head, and the voice which keeps me from doing aggressively stupid stuff as opposed to the mildly stupid stuff i muck around with on a daily basis

anyway: there is a sentence i often hear myself create way deep inside my brain where the mainframes and controls and circuitry and all that other shit lives

i hear this sentence when i am anywhere doing anything

the sentence is spoken by the calm and rational ryan, and to me he says this: “what the hell are you doing? we have to get the fuck out of here pronto, bitch”

Call me Julie Andrews, because These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things:

BOOKZ

• Moby-Dick
• A Confederacy of Dunces
• Notes from Underground
• A Scanner Darkly
• Slapstick
• Sirens of Titan
• Steppenwolf
• The Sun Also Rises
• A Farewell to Arms
• Frankenstein
• The Book of Chuang Tzu
• The Count of Monte Cristo

MOVIEZ

• Point Blank
• Badlands
• The Conversation
• Kagemusha
• Throne of Blood
• Blade Runner
• Breathless
• The Long Goodbye
• The Master
• Punch-Drunk Love
• Wild Strawberries
• Cries and Whispers
• Persona
• Ikiru
• Five Easy Pieces
• Heist
• Mulholland Drive
• Wild at Heart
• The Thing
• Chinatown
• The Lady from Shanghai
• F for Fake
• Touch of Evil
• Stalker
• Mirror
• Vertigo
• Ipcress File

ALBUMZ

Ah man . . . I don’t feel like making a full list. Here’s a short list I made back in January~

“Made with ❤ in New York” is very bad and I’m tired of seeing it in the footer of every website lol