19 February 2020

Every night I’ve been going on these really long walks, sometimes 10 miles or more, all the while inside my brain I keep obsessively combing through this dark catalogue of all the times I went completely insane and made some catastrophic decisions that completely derailed and almost destroyed my life permanently. To say these events are the result of a “lapse of judgment” is a severe understatement. It almost makes me sick . . . I don’t recognize myself inside of these memories. Who is this guy? Maybe this a universal human experience. I mean it’s got to happen to everyone at least once. Point is, I’m gonna be more careful. I must remember so that I don’t end up alone and amnesic in those unfriendly places again, cuz god knows it would be my own damn fault. Though now, from this new vantage point, seated sultanically among the moons of Saturn, all my various sadnesses and failures have hardcoded themselves unto me . . . have deepened my understanding of myself, and so on, which I reckon has got to count for something. I’ll tell you this: step one in protecting yourself from the world, and protecting the world from you, is to just leave it all the hell alone. Get a library card and some free weights and just stay home, man. You feeling nutzo? Hide until the fever breaks. It’s like the fella said: Give not thyself up, then, to fire, lest it invert thee, deaden thee; as for the time it did me. There is a wisdom that is woe; but there is a woe that is madness. Amen.

19 February 2020

Whoa. Last week I was on the other side of the world wondering when I’d ever see the sun again, and this week I’m standing outside the Oakland Crematorium off Piedmont wondering why the streets are dead empty. It has been a strange time. . . .

Though yeah: I am visiting Oakland for a little while. If you’re around, let me know!

Next week I will be in New York visiting Tim and Jenny and their new dog D’Babbis, who is a little pomeranian. And I’m gonna see Shaina too! She’s human. Anyway, I’m pumped as hell.

And then: ???

I reckon I got a lot more to say tomorrow. But now I am going to curl up inside my military sleeping bag on my sister’s couch in El Cerrito and try to ignore the fact that it’s like literally 55 degrees in here (lol)~

Here’s a moody picture that Laura’s sister Helen took of me in Berlin a few weeks ago:

. . . and another she took of me and Dante in my apartment in Kreuzberg:

OK good-night!! ☆

06 February 2020

thank you for once again preaching the good word, kerwin

(kerwin has a good twitter btw)

((i feel truly blessed to have lived with this guy))

(((kerwin rules)))

05 February 2020

Just updated my voter registration info in California and officially changed my political party. Seeya at the polls!!!!

04 February 2020

Wow! My computer just produced a stupid reminder, something like: “Five years ago today!” And then this picture of me standing on a log in Oregon came up. February 4th, 2015 . . . the first time I ever went to Portland. Had some phantom visited me in my dreams on February 3rd, and told me I would rue the day I ever went to Portland, and that I would still be haunted by this catastrophic life miscalculation five years later, I wonder if I would have just stayed home. I tend to trust my dream spirits, so I really do think I would have taken this premonition seriously. To this day I still beat myself up over my decision to move there. Of course many of my problems have lived in my blood since the day I was born, and are bound to me forever, but at least half of the woes that anchor me in hell are ones that I can trace back to Portland. Had I avoided that godforsaken place, I imagine I would now enjoy the silent grass-growing mood that has always eluded me . . . and yet years on, post-Portland, dollars damn me, and the malicious Devil is forever grinning in upon me, holding the door ajar! It was not so much my time there, one full rotation around the sun, that still swims in my heart—it is the self-perpetuating nightmare vine that has hatched out of it, and poisoned everything in its path since the day I first laid eyes on that rainy pit where down below I would soon crawl and scream until they hooked me out. I thought it would never happen . . . I really did think they would bury me there. And yet escaping it was not enough. Because now my memory of it, and the sadnesses that followed me home are still a fucking dance macabre in my peripheral vision. It should not still have power over me. In the quiet of my room, when my mind is sputtering and backfiring and I am powerless to stop it, I watch and cannot look away as the tangled nerve highway leads back down through time and space to that one rotten decision . . . the crushing loneliness, the constant sickness, and all the money I threw away. And beyond it all, living on the far rim of this place, are the dark faces of those that won’t afford me any peace, though that is all I want now. I have tried to get out from under the shadow of it, but like clockwork I still have a torturous dream that I wake up there again. I did my time and paid the price. Please, let go of me. Can I just be left alone now?

01 February 2020

Well: I think I’m going to redesign this website . . . or rather I’m going to completely wipe out the invisible machinery holding it all in place, and modernize it, and so on, even though none of you can see it, or could possibly care about it. Hah! It’s time, you know, what with all the weeks and months that have passed since I last retooled this thing. When was that? It was February four years ago I think, when I found myself in a forest dark, which is to say in the lukewarm bathwater equivalent of a city, being Portland. Oh, god, what a time that was! What a disaster. I promised my lawyer and my therapist that I would stop mentioning my ill-fated catastrophe year in Portland in any capacity, even and especially within my own internal narrative, so yeah. The point is that it’s been a while since ol Starsailor Dot Co got some work done under the hood. It’s getting downright creaky. I’m sure there have been numerous technological advances in the WordPress development community since I, homeless and destitute, coded this thing out of sheer desperation while rain-soaked and hellbent on my own destruction, sitting alone in a coffee shop in miserable wintry Oregon. It was a lot of work. It was good work. I’d like to do it all over again on safer shores. Maybe I can make it so everything loads quicker. Yeah? I don’t know. There have got to be other benefits, both real and imagined. At any rate it’s nice to work on this thing. Makes you feel like you did something, et cetera.

As far as What It Will Look Like: it will mostly look the same. To me this is the ideal layout for what I use it for, in the same way the formatting of a newspaper or a book are ideal for their respective content. This website is designed to display lonely diatribes about my deepest fears and delusions, often polka-dotted with screencaps from black and white movies nobody cares about . . . and it is meant to be easy on the eyes, and to be read in bed at night, and so on. My website is for creeps and losers just like me, OK? I don’t want it to be any more complicated than it need be. It looks exactly the way it’s supposed to look, more or less. It will always look like this. I’ve just decided that this is what it is. It’s pretty much always looked like this for all eight of the godforsaken years that it has haunted the internet, and every now and then I’ve iterated, though probably only I would notice these changes. Mostly I have taken away—have sheered off the auxiliary trimmings that distracted from my ghoulish master plan of complaining about my manifested nightmares until the day I die! I’ve got me a little dancing skeleton of a website, is what I’m saying, with me swinging from the ribcage a-hootin and a-hollerin all the way to oblivion. OK??

Though yeah, I’m gonna clean it up a little, the whole damn thing. I’ve got some ideas written down that I’ve been meaning to try out for like . . . years. I’m pretty sure the world is ending, so the timing couldn’t be better.

You know what? I think I’m going to create a subdomain and just start building the new website in real-time. I’ll even link to it somewhere and you can watch as I build it?? If you want to?? I don’t know what sort of jerk would be interested in something like that . . . though hell, who am I to judge, because I am precisely that sort of jerk. That there is some wholesome web content, after all, when most everything else is an ocean of absolute toxic waste. And who knows!! Maybe you’ll learn something! And I as well! Together: We Will Learn, right out here in the wide open world.

•   •   •

FINALLY, ON A COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE:

I am about to do something with my life that you might consider big and dumb and stupid. Maybe, by the time you notice what I have done, you will roll your eyes, because you’ll have seen it coming all along. I sure feel that way, and I haven’t even done the thing yet. Why am I teasing something that I don’t plan to reveal just yet? Who knows! I can get away with it because this is my stupid website. If you don’t like it, get your own stupid website, you creep! Though yeah, it involves an APPRENTICESHIP in a WEIRD PLACE . . . and baby, I can’t wait. God, I was designed for this mystery job, ever since I first hatched out of that meteor 500 years ago. I’ll write more about it soon. I’ll shriek it out from on high, even, just for the hell of it. Who cares?

Oh yeah! Laura’s sister Helen is visiting me in Berlin by the way:

We’ve been seeing a lot of cool stuff!!

OK I’m going to bed now~