same

(sawdust and tinsel, starring my girlfriend harriet andersson)

my sweet baby sister monty

The other night, maybe the last night I got more than three or four hours of sleep, whenever that was, I had a vivid dream of riding on top of a train. I was sitting crosslegged and someone else, though I don’t know who because I never turned around to see their face, was crouched behind me. We were having a conversation about something and riding along. In the sky I saw two massive flaming red meteorites shoot through the sky, one after the other, and slam into a forest a few miles away. In my dream I knew it was the end of the world but I didn’t feel sad about it. The stranger behind me asked me what I would have wanted before the end, which was imminent, and I said, “One good final breakfast,” and then the dream ended and I woke up covered in sweat.

I have been waking up covered in sweat the whole last week. And although I’m sweaty I’m also freezing under my blankets. I reckon it’s because I’ve only been having stress dreams. I dreamed about being at funeral, and sometimes I dream about this girl I miss . . .

I’ll tell you what: I sure could go for any good news at all. What’s going on? I don’t want much of anything. I’m not greedy or selfish. I guess I just wish I’d stop getting steamrolled every day. I don’t think that is asking so much. I cannot keep living as vessel for misery is all. It is the opposite of what I want for myself and I just can’t get out from under it. I try to put good things out there but often it feels like chucking it into a black hole. Is this an ancestral curse or something? Maybe I’m just unlucky in that way.

I promise not to be a drag and keep making updates about my despair, but just for posterity: I’m in big trouble because I’ve lost six pounds in 48 hours

just when you think the world’s a joke, the joke’s on you

i told judy that the flashing neon-lit santa monica ferris wheel makes you feel weird because though the ferris wheel is moving and the lights are flashing, neither can feel time

she left this note in my door a few days before i left for berlin and said she was sad that i was leaving and that she cared about me