i miss dante so much. i’m lying here crying about him. i cry every day

i helped my friend isabel get the apartment directly below mine. we went to ikea to get things for her new place. and today her friends and i helped her move in. she’s cool. my sister’s dog loves her

the last picture is her tossing a water bottle down from her old apartment onto the street below where we were waiting. i forgot to ask why

i have broken off from reality. whatever i have been experiencing for the last month of my life has flowed as anti-time. nothing sticks. i have no new memory. i have anti-memory. this can’t be real. i feel like i am in hell

i don’t know how to live without dante. this is a sort of never-ending nightmare of anger and disbelief and intense despair. i can’t stop crying and dreaming about him. last night i had a dream that dante’s doctor called me from the clinic and told me they’d found a way to save him after all, and that i could bring him home soon. but of course i woke up and remembered i’d said goodbye to him forever as he lay sedated on an operating table just a few days ago. i saw that last image of him in my mind and felt so sad i wanted to die. i wish i could have died in his place. maybe this sounds dramatic but as far as i’m concerned this is all epilogue. i love dante more than i’ve ever loved anything in my entire life. dante was my life. he was my little guardian angel. post-dante is post-ryan too.