We had BATMAN RETURNS on VHS when I was a kid. It came out when I was five years old. And I remember confiding in my older sister that I thought Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman was a total babe. She told everyone in my family and teased me about it. I didn’t care. I was also right.

Anyway, I rewatched it again for the first time in a long time, and lord have mercy:

What I want to say is that in remembering that Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman was my first crush, I suddenly made a lot more sense TO myself. It explained a lot about the subsequent thirty years of my life. I guess you can figure out what that means if you really want to, though I ain’t gonna spoil it.

But yeah, weird kinky bipolar Catwoman who puts a live bird in her mouth is the best Catwoman. OK?