Well: I know you’ve all been waiting for this, and so here it is . . . my STD lab results for November 2024. Behold, I possess no identifiable afflictions as far as this test is concerned:
For those in the back row: I’m negative across the board. OK?
(. . . and yeah, that’s a watermark! I have to start doing that now on account of a weird source of traffic this website gets!)
And what about the other maladies I possess—namely the endless psychedelic terrorism that haunts me like a curse and will kill me yet?? I do not know if there is a way for medical science to quantify such a thing, but I know also with total assurance that it is in there. In my mind’s eye I can observe it as though it were a rabid animal in a cage. It is one that cannot be felled by any earthly weapon, and so it will live on endlessly in that forest dark until its host, which is me, finally perishes beneath the weight of the world . . . or perhaps like everything else it will be absorbed again into that place where even time itself does not exist once the sleeping giant who is dreaming us finally wakes up . . .
Anyway! For those among us who are both sexually active and capable of producing children, there are two things you have to worry about when doing the horizontal tango: 1) pregnancy and 2) sexually transmitted diseases. (Never mind hurt feelings!) As I have both gotten a vasectomy and (as of today) a clean bill of health after having my blood and urine (and throat (this was new to me)) analyzed by a bunch of robots, I am more or less free to continue roam the land and do no harm. Wow! I love that. I needed some good news for once.
Since I get an STD test every six months whether I have any reason to or not, I say unto you now:
