I don’t know how many of you are aware of this, but I’m a bit of a badass. Yes, I have a heart of gold and am a perfect precious angel whom everyone loves, but I also have no respect for authority and live by my own set of rules few could understand. The cops have never been able to catch me because I’m just too fast for them.
And so it was that yesterday I went to a beloved grocery store chain and saw these two gingerbread men who, having no alternative, were staring up and smiling happily upon me. I observed that one of them even had little stars for buttons. I felt a primal compulsion to take them both and so I did, plucking them from their tray with a little square of parchment paper. I then walked around the store with no intention of buying anything, all the while eating these two gingerbread men in full view of the public and the good Lord above. So brazen was my crime that I became immune to the fear of any mortal punishment.
Once satiated, I crumpled up the paper and tossed it in a trashcan. I cruised out of the store with the confidence of a man a hundred feet tall before suddenly realizing, with some dismay, that I now had the rest of my life to worry about again . . .
