Something has happened recently where my friends keep recruiting me to stand in a front of a camera (or microphone) and say stuff. I suppose this sort of thing is bound to happen when you are a beloved world-famous celebrity who owns both a nice cinema camera and microphone . . .

It began with Elina forcing me to star in a little commercial for the company where she was interning. (She is currently asleep in my bed, having shown up last night and insisting she was going to stay over since my apartment is closer to her job, which isn’t really a job at all . . . she’s still showing up for her aforementioned internship and working for free simply to be with her boyfriend, who is a paid employee there. Hah!)

Anyway, I don’t think I ever posted it here, so behold:

Listen: don’t blame me for the Gen Z-ass editing. That was all her . . .

Shortly after, Sister Isabella had me co-star in two commercials for her new small business. In both videos, she brutally murders me:

P.S. I recently added both her and her cat Gego to my sidebar. Gego’s sickeningly smug photo takes you to his Instagram, and Isabella stepping over my dead body links to her small business:

Anyway: now comes Nora, who is having a Halloween party at her place in Brooklyn. I actually went to a Halloween party there last year, but since I am currently living in self-exile in Europe and have no intention of ever visiting New York again, I can’t make it this year . . . I’ll be in London with Bex and Olivetti instead.

Though yeah: she had an idea this year to create a phone number you can call, which takes you to a voicemail message with details about the party. It’s like a party hotline! She asked me to write a short script and record the audio for it. In other words, I’m the voice on the other end of the phone. People sometimes ask me to be the voice for their voicemail message. For many years, Laura’s voicemail message has been me doing an impression of David Lynch. I love doing stuff like this. And so I did it!

She gave me a few details and told me the party’s theme is HELL. We already live in Hell, and so such a party would essentially be a Hell within a Hell . . . a Double Hell. But then again, it’s only for one night, and it is a party, after all. If you’re gonna burn, you may as well try to make the best of it.

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I recorded it early this morning. I had absolutely no idea if it was any good or not, but I did my best anyway. What else can you do? I fired it off to Nora and went to sleep. Upon hearing it all the way in Algeria where she’s currently camped out, she said this:

Thought I: “Wow!”

And then she sent me the reactions from her roommates, who are co-hosting the party:

Ain’t that nice? :,)

It was her idea to add the HALLOWEEN theme in the background, which was a good idea. Here it is . . . with her address blocked out:

Well: Elina’s twelve alarms keep going off and she keeps snoozing them, so I suppose I will wake her up in a few minutes and make her breakfast, and then walk her to the train station and see her off to work, where she makes no money and probably makes out with her boyfriend in a broom closet during their lunch break. Maybe I’ll try to sleep for a few hours when I get home. My sleep schedule is completely fucked and I need to somehow fix it soon, on account of McCune is staying with me for something like two weeks not long from now. And so I must straighten myself out. I told Julia earlier tonight that my goal is to get back to four a.m. instead of . . . seven a.m.! I guess we’ll all find out together if I’m able to pull it off. Probably not!

FINALLY . . .

Did you know you can hire me, for free, to do things for you? It’s true! Anyway, I added “voice acting” and “celebrity guest appearance” to my list of pro-bono services, so have at it . . .