i am starhugger

(love you, steph)

thank you leila

i feel like this is how i text people lol

This morning when I woke up, I felt that a stone in the foundation of myself had shifted ever so slightly. I felt calm and clear-headed. It had been a little while.

So I went about reviving some posts from Sept / Oct / Nov, deleting or archiving posts I wrote in the last two weeks when I was in a highly emotional state (and presently find no value in revisiting), and cleaning up some posts that sounded just a little too mopey.

In times of distress, I have a bad habit of turning this place into a big pity party for myself. I am trying to temper this bad habit. For now I merely cleaned up the mess that was no one’s fault but my own and restored balance here, just as some degree of balance had been mysteriously restored unto me. Wow!

The Japanese poster for KIKI’S DELIVERY SERVICE famously says . . .

おちこんだりもしたけれど、
私はげんきです。

. . . which means, I’m pretty sure, something like

“I was kind of blue for a while, but I’m fine now.”

OK!!! Yeah. That’s fitting. I dig that.

☆彡

I have been hiding out at my friend Ryan’s house for the last week . . . I’ve known Ryan for almost 28 years. He and his wife have been feeding me and bathing me (just kidding lol) and I even have my own room in the basement. I only got a few more days left in the US before I go back to Berlin . . . and then in January I’m going to Japan for a whole ass month. After that it’s a secret . . . but knowing my dumb ass, I’ll probably write about it here soon enough. Hah!

this is basically me

. . . incoming texts from Cat Girls!!

me every night for the last 30 years

This is not a Sad Post. I said I was done with those for now. I don’t wanna be moaning here all the time! So this is just a declarative statement: My nervous system has not regulated itself yet . . . I am not sure how to speed that along. I cannot stop my mind from analyzing every little thing. I wonder what you’re supposed to do about that . . .

This is not a Sad Post, but if it’s OK with you, I am going to make it just a little Melancholic because it is the truth: Hey, what can I say . . . I miss someone a lot. I don’t know what to do about that either. The missing this person feeling is so powerful. I have been surprised by how powerful this feeling has felt.