‘market square of warsaw by night’
józef pankiewicz

about a year ago i was in warsaw . . . i need to finally finish writing about it. man, that was an amazing trip and i wanna go back. i know a girl there and i’d like to see her again too ☆

frankenstein

For all men tragically great are made so through a certain morbidness. Be sure of this, O young ambition, all mortal greatness is but disease.

moby-dick

just fyi this is me

(via my bud devil’s blush)

At Katie’s behest, I watched LIFEGUARD (1976), supposedly a Ryancore film based on this tantalizing premise:

And how exactly is this Ryancore as fuck? Well, among my friends there seems to be this cartoonish perception of me as a freewheeling loner perma-bachelor. And yet deep down in the secret places in my heart, I am cursed to recall wistfully all my great loves of yore, and to yearn eternally for that radiant affection to shine down upon me one last time so that I might achieve some semblance of salvation. Uh . . . I mean, I reckon there’s at least some truth to that . . .

Anyway: I love the idea of a mid-70s dramedy set in Southern California about a hunky mustachioed sun-baked Sam Elliott hanging out in a lifeguard tower all summer making an hourly wage and trying to score some hot tail. I mean, look at this poster for God’s sake:

Yeah. That definitely rules. And it starts out OK enough . . .

. . . with Sam Elliott, the titular lifeguard, showing a young rookie lifeguard the ropes while winking at cute girls in bikinis and breaking up fights between teenage boys and saving people’s lives with his little red floatie. He drives around LA in his Chevy Stingray that he can somehow afford on a lifeguard’s salary, and spends his evenings bedding flight attendants and elementary school teachers in his swinging bachelor pad. He leads a carefree existence devoid of any conflict. Being a lifeguard . . . is there anything better? And yet he feels empty in some way he cannot place. Maybe there’s more to life than being completely free and having a zero responsibilities. Maybe life is meant to be shared rather than spent alone.

Sam ponders these things (kind of) between little glimpses into his everyday life: driving to a fast food joint to grab a hamburger and a Coke, flirting with a girl who is so horned up she’s a breath away from ripping off her bathing suit while he puts a band-aid on her finger, and plenty of scenes of him wearing aviator sunglasses and scratching his beastly chest hair while gazing off into the distant sea as the warm California sun sets upon another perfect day. All of this is set to a badly-aged groovy Moog synth score and interspliced with little comedy bits that are about as funny as an episode of the Brady Bunch. It has serious soap opera / afterschool special vibes and not in a good way. Every interior scene is lit like a first-year student art film.

At the 45-minute mark of this 96-minute movie, the story, or what little of it there is, had moved about three inches from the starting line, and I began thinking about other things I’d rather be doing, including cleaning my kitchen. Bummer.

I reported my findings to Katie and together we lamented how the movie fails to live up to its chill premise. It could have so easily risen above ordinary trash into the kind that glows in the dark, but alas, they went with the first draft. Any hack writer could have punched this thing up and made it a beautiful schlocky genre thing. As a hack writer myself, I kept thinking of all the little things I would have done to keep the good times rolling the entire time, but what are you gonna do. This thing is nearly 50 years old and feels that way. It is boomer-y as hell and thus a product of its era. Let it be said that Sam gave it his all. It’s not his fault LIFEGUARD feels like a dog turd that washed up on the beach during high tide.

Though hey: there is always the sea itself, which unlike this film is more vast and meditative and timeless than anything else I know.

Surf’s up!

I just discovered that some scholarly article denouncing the influence of venture capitalist billionaires cites me as a source? From some throwaway post that is over ten years old?? Listen: I am not an expert nor an authoritative voice on anything other than my own idiotic degeneracy. Still, it is funny . . .

Also: wanting to live forever is so pathetic. Those creeps are always investing in cryogenics and brain-uploading cyborg software because they have the arrogance to see themselves as a divine and enlightened class, and have so much money they’d need a hundred million lifetimes to spend it all. They build monuments of themselves and enormous earth-killing mansions and factories while the rest of us toil and rot like peasants in the ruin of the old world and the mega-structures of the new one. With their vast wealth they could feed and clothe the poor many times the world over, and yet they won’t because they have an inherent disdain and revulsion for us. To them we exist merely to push the buttons on the cash registers in the businesses they own (and they own them all), and to buy their godless trash and poisonous food. They sell us the disease and then sell us the cure. They control the media and so they invent lies to distract us and make us hate each other when they are the one true enemy of all eight billion of us. These psycho freaks would slit your throat for a nickel. And if that weren’t enough, they want to hide in lavish underground fallout shelters in New Zealand and freeze their corpses and inject their brains into robot bodies because they are afraid to die. What a bunch of pathetic losers.

. . . and THAT you can quote me on!!!

i fell asleep at 3:30 am, but for some reason bolted upright exactly two hours later. i’d just had a vivid dream. my friend fia was in it. i had not spoken to her in a while . . . so there in the darkness of my apartment still prone upon my couch i fulfilled my obligation to text her about her appearance in that dream. she wrote back immediately from los angeles:

in The Previous Post, i mentioned something similar had happened with my friend emel just a few hours ago. once more for those who came in late:

i attributed this eeriness to the full moon. for real: what is this??

in the absence of any other plausible explanation, here i must once again defer to the Plate of Shrimp Theory from REPO MAN:

do i possess a prowess for the paranormal? is ESP a real phenomenon? i think it is harmless to at least give some credence to it. and anyway, i have experienced more evidence for it than not. if you are open to such things, you are often rewarded with some ghostly winking of its truthfulness, not unlike jolly punches in the side bestowed by the unseen and unaccountable old joker when the world comes to feel like a vast practical joke at your own expense. at any rate, i will continue to post my conclusions here on this fine website you’re reading. heaven help me, i am terminally curious of unknown things for which definitive proof can never truly be established!! you gotta admit it’s more fun that way!!!

yeah!!!!

well:

Tonight on my way to meet an Internet Stranger, and upon ascending the stairs from a nearby U-bahn station, I saw and heard loudly the whirring of a police helicopter with its spotlight on floating high above Mitte in central Berlin. Nearby was a massive police barricade. I assumed it was an active manhunt of some sort. Everyone stood on the sidewalk gazing upward and taking pictures. A woman rode up to me on her bicycle, having chosen me out of the crowd for some reason, and said (in English): “I’ve been in Berlin for 30 years and I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

As a red-blooded American citizen I have of course bore witness to plenty of aerial police activity and what I saw now was nothing new. Even so, the sight of a probing helicopter is always intriguing, and thus I was intrigued. It makes a stranger stare.

I myself took the picture you see above and then turned the corner to get to the Internet Stranger’s house. All due respect to her, but it was a bit of a drag. She was not particularly friendly and a bunch of her friends were there and she even called me Bryan at one point, which is a cardinal sin (Bryan is a poser wannabe Ryan name . . . Brian is even worse). When I finally got to leave, still spooked up from the joints we had smoked, I was a little relieved. Outside it was a nice summer night and now it was all mine. Gladly I walked two miles home in the dark.

Nearing my neighborhood, I took a left on Pallasstraße and remembered a girl I had seen on the U-bahn earlier that night on my way to Mitte. This girl had looked exactly like my friend Emel-Elizabeth The Estonian Girl, whom I had dreamt about a few months ago after not seeing her for an entire year. And upon texting Emel to say as much, she told me she was in Berlin for one night only, which was that very same night, and invited me to hang out with her at a bar in my neighborhood, so of course I went. In my dream I had told her I missed her, and now there she was because of that dream.

And so saying, tonight I informed her of my sighting of her blonde clone:

What does it mean? My seeming clairvoyance of her? Who knows, but I love it . . .

Now I am back in my high tower in Schöneberg watching a movie I found on the Criterion Channel called CHINA MOON. I couldn’t help but notice that Madeleine Stowe (whom I had only ever seen in 12 MONKEYS) bears an uncanny resemblance to my beautiful friend Alayna:

Just a few minutes later, Madeleine Stowe’s character notices it’s a full moon. Alayna and I always text each other on the night of a full moon. We love that thing. Well: tonight happens to be a full moon. I always seem to watch movies with full moons on full moon nights. I dig that coincidence. It’s almost as cool as dreaming or thinking about someone and them saying they dreamt or thought about you too. The moon is of course an inherently mysterious thing, so when spooky things transpire when the moon is at the height of its powers . . . well, that seems very full moonish to me . . .

I slept badly last night. I went to sleep after the sun had risen and woke up having only got four hours of sleep, which is an uncomfortable no-man’s-land amount of sleep. Take it from me!

PERHAPS YOU HAVE SEEN THIS:

Anyway: I am so exhausted I have tears rolling down my cheek. And so now I will brush my teeth and go to sleep. I wonder who I will dream about tonight. I hope it’s someone pretty and cool. I mean . . . why not! It beats dreaming about being shot or having my guidance counselor tell me I don’t have enough credits to graduate from high school, which are frequent nightmares of mine. Oops!

Finally: According to WordPress, today is the 41st day in a row I have posted on my website. Wow! I guess I got to keep going.

Until tomorrow, here is a picture I took of my girlfriends on my walk home earlier:

☆彡