Hello my little angels. Time to wake your ass up and do this every morning to achieve beautiful radiant skin that will have the whole town talking:

1. Wash your face with a facial cleanser
2. With your face still wet, apply hyaluronic acid (let it absorb)
3. Apply vitamin C serum (let it completely dry)
4. Apply moisturizer to LOCK IT ALL IN
5. Apply sunscreen (SPF 50!)

. . . then go outside and starting flying, baby. It’s that easy!

IN SHORT: facial cleanser > hyaluronic acid > vitamin C serum > moisturizer > sunscreen

Many hours later, you return to the sanctuary of your home. Maybe you’ve been out mixing it with the animals and the world has got you down. Well, the good news is that your nightly skincare routine is waiting for you. It’s time to wash up and glow like the little angel you are before you get your beauty sleep:

1. Wash your face with a facial cleanser
2. With your face still wet, apply hyaluronic acid (let it absorb)
3. Warm niacinamide between your hands and apply (let it absorb)
4. Apply retinol or rose hip seed oil (alternate between days)
5. Apply moisturizer

Now go say your nighttime prayers and crawl into bed, hopefully with someone who loves you.

IN SHORT: facial cleanser > hyaluronic acid > niacinamide > retinol / rose hip seed oil (alternate days) > moisturizer)

For years I used the worst possible things to shave my face. Don’t do that to yourself. As the Ancient Mariner regales the Wedding Guest with his tale of folly, so too shall I guide you away from fucking up your beautiful face.

So whether you shave your face or legs or whatever else, you got to get the good stuff. And here’s the thing: the good stuff is way way better AND (eventually) cheaper than all that other stuff. There is an “”initial investment”—but after that, replacing all the consumable stuff is real easy.

• First you need a double-edge safety razor. Safety razors give you a better / closer shave because there is a single blade versus those insane cartridge razors that use three or four blades and which completely shred your skin.
• A safety razor uses double-edge razor blades. A box of 100 blades is like $13. You can get three to five shaves out of a single blade, so a single box will get you through an entire year.
• You can use whatever shaving cream you want, but I use the old fashioned kind that comes in a little puck container. The one I get smells like coconut and is luxurious, but they have like dozens of scents. These last forever.
• To whip up your shaving cream into a foam, you’ll need a badger shaving brush. You can get a cheap one or an expensive one, but this is the mid-grade one I use and it’s totally fine.
• And where do you do the whipping up? In a stainless steel shaving bowl. You could even use a coffee mug or a regular bowl or whatever, but this is the perfect size.
• Finally, you need a good after-shave balm. Do not use any of those alcohol-based ones. They’re horrible for your skin. I use this balm and it’s great. It says “for men” but the smell is pretty neutral. It smells good. A single tube of it will last you six months or more.

“But but but but,” I hear you you say. “That’s so much stuff!” Like I said, once you have all the TOOLS, the only things you ever have to replace are the razor blades, shaving cream, and after-shave balm. That’s like $35 a year. I’ve used the same razor, brush, and bowl for nearly a decade.

Ever watch an old movie and the guys who look like they’re in their 50s are actually like 32? Listen: people used to drink and smoke a lot more than they do now, and they fried under the hateful sun, so that’s part of it. But now we have all this shit with AHAs and BHAs in them, which are exfoliants that remove dead skin cells and help stimulate collagen production. Now you can look 25 when you’re 35, if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s great stuff! So the two things here are just cute little BONUS THINGS you can do if you want to feel even better about yourself. Both are cheap and easy, just like me.

• The first is a chemical peel. I use this one. “Chemical peel” sounds like a form of torture, but it’s just a thin red mask that makes you look like Sissy Spacek in CARRIE. You wear it for 10 minutes and then rinse it off. Afterwards your face is as soft as a preacher’s belly (ew!).
• Meanwhile, a mud mask is just another kind of exfoliant that removes impurities from your skin and helps with acne. It’s a room-temperature sludge you smear all over your face and it feels luxurious. I guess they actually scoop this shit out of the Dead Sea. Try wearing it while taking a bath . . . it rules. I use this one but there are tons of them out there.

You can use either of them or both. I use both once a week spaced four or five days apart. If you only go with one of them, the chemical peel is the one to get. OK??

If you don’t want to read all the extremely dumb stuff I wrote above, I have helpfully consolidated links to everything I use here. It looks like a lot, and my friend Amissa says it makes me look neurotic, but it’s all really cheap and lasts a long time (like me).

For instance I go through one bottle of retinol every six months. That vitamin C serum comes in a massive bottle and costs less than a (bad) meal in the Bay Area. Most of these things are cheaper than a movie ticket. And have you seen how bad movies are now? For god’s sake.

Anyway here ya go. Links will open in a new tab:

Morning:

• facial cleanser
• vitamin C serum
• moisturizer
• sunscreen

Night:

• hyaluronic acid
• niacinamide
• rose hip seed oil
• retinol

Shaving:

• double-edge safety razor
• double-edge safety razor blades
• shaving cream
• shaving brush
• shaving bowl
• after-shave balm

Bonus:

• chemical peel
• mud mask

OK, that’s it. Good luck. Thank me later. I love you all. ☆彡