The other night I was driving these idiots through San Francisco (I am something of a cab driver now) and one of them joked that he had a gun to my head in the back seat.

And I said, “Listen, if you’re serious, just go ahead and do whatever you’re gonna do, man.”

He laughed. His friend laughed. He said, “Dude I don’t really have a gun against your head. Is that actually what you would say to someone if they did?”

“Yeah. I would say, ‘There is nothing in my jacket that I’m prepared to die for. My phone is in my left pocket. If you absolutely have to blow my brains out, get it over with. I’m not going to beg for life like some chump.'”

He then took a caveman bite out of his bacon-wrapped hot dog and told me I was cool for listening to Ty Segall.

San Francisco is fucking miserable and I hope it sinks into the ocean as soon as possible.