On the way to the grocery store to buy booze I ran out of sidewalk and had to hop someone’s fence so I could get back into the residential neighborhood bordering the street. I noticed every turn along the straight path terminated at a cul-de-sac. The street was an endless corridor of dead ends. In a sort of noir detective voice I said aloud: “Well ain’t that fitting.”
I walked alone in the dark. The street lamps were dim. I don’t know why but a larger conversation that was going on in my head escaped from my mouth just then. I clenched my fists and said pretty loudly: “Motherfuckers!” A man was in his driveway getting something out of his car. I hadn’t seen him before. I saw him now as he stared at me in total bewilderment. I apologized. I told him I was having a rough time and kept walking.
As I neared the shopping center I saw a monstrous SUV parked on the street. I sneered at it. I had been sneering at everything. I tried to pick up the huge stupid vehicle so I could hurl it at a nearby house. It seemed like a reasonable thing to want to do at that moment. It ended up being way too heavy.
Instead I fell to my knees in the middle of the street. I looked up at the stars. I addressed whomever was listening:
“I am so tired. I can’t do this anymore. Please don’t make me do this anymore.”