One time I was working the door at Wolfhound Pub and a guy was outside smoking. He was a nice enough guy, he came there pretty much every night. None of the bartenders liked him because he never tipped. Anyway this guy would always quote Shakespeare and Nietzsche to me, and it’s like OK man sure whatever. It was so awful and embarrassing when I actually had to do my job though. People would walk up and show me their ID and this guy would be sloppily quoting passages from ‘Thus Spoke Zarathustra’ and he never got them right. (Pro tip: if you’re going to quote something with some degree of authority, you should probably 1) remember what the actual quote is, and 2) understand the significance of the quote.)

Anyway so we were outside, and we’re talking (or rather he’s talking at me and I am trapped), and the subject is straights and squares, a common topic in Oakland, and he mentions that I am “not alternative enough” because I shave my face every day.

God that’s funny. This guy was like 28.