I know now how I will age: gaunt face and darker eye sockets and all the signs of extreme exhaustion
oh god all the terrible things i’ve written in the dark
She sighed. “Oh, God, to be in the flyship cruising through the void. That’s what I long for: an infinite void. With no human voices, no human smells, no human jaws masticating plastic chewing gum in nine iridescent colors.”
CASPER LOCKETT
FEELING WEIRD
WALKED INTO HIS LIVING ROOM
AND OPENED THE BLINDS.
WHAT HE SAW WAS THIS,
SPELLED OUT IN FLAMES
IN THE RUINS OF THE DEAD CITY BELOW:
“THE REWARD FOR PATIENCE IS DEATH”
what in god’s name am i doing awake
it’s 5:30 a.m. pacific standard time
for god’s sake
i cried for the first time in a year a few minutes ago and it was so great
it wasn’t a sad cry, just a nice neutral one
one of those “look dude you need to cry or your body is going to explode” cries
lord almighty
what do i need to make that happen again
seriously please email me with tips
I guess a lot of people want to have cool sex and own nice things but all I want is for a fucking whale to kill me
you’re asleep in the other room and i’m leaving tomorrow and you’ll never read this anyway so whatever:
a lot of those jerks back home would throw you under the bus in a god damn second but i sure wouldn’t
also they say a lot of cruel things about me and maybe some of those things are true but mostly they’re wrong
good-bye i love you
I want to say to a lot of people, “Please, I’m not a stranger. For god’s sake, just talk to me the way you always did”
I’m always worried that someone is mad at me
I don’t want anyone to be mad at me
A few hours ago I was standing on a bridge overlooking the highway. I had just come from UT campus and was staring at traffic.
In my peripheral vision I saw a police officer in an SUV pull up at a nearby stoplight and stay there for several green light cycles. I figured he was probably on his computer or something.
Eventually he flashed his lights and parked on the curb a few feet away. I looked his way and he motioned for me to come over to him.
“You OK, man?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Looked like you were about to jump.”
“Jump off the bridge? What? I was just looking at the cars.”
“I don’t know, man. Looked bad from where I was.”
“Oh, no. I used to live here is all. It’s my last night and I was walking around. I used to like to watch the traffic on the highway.”
“You going to sleep tonight?”
“Eventually.”
“You know there’s a . . . there’s a 24-hour coffee shop around the corner.”
“Yeah, Bennu. That’s where I’m going.”
“Or Kerbey Lane. You could go eat at Kerbey Lane. But you probably know all the places to go.”
“Yeah.”
“You could go there and think or something.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, we get jumpers is all. Kids jump. It happens. Just had to check.”
He took my license and wrote down my name and address. He asked me if California was nice. I said “yes.” Then he took down my phone number and drove away.
