Hey small mustached man holding a pencil-thin microphone: I am totally ready for you to come out of a panel in my wall and tell me that I’m the only contestant on a gameshow called “The Joke’s On You, Ryan!”

Come and get me you gorgeous son of a bitch!!!!!

hey have you guys ever actually writhed in total agony because that’s how i burn off calories

I shoulda stayed on my alien planet amongst the stars cuz y’all suck.

I came to Earth to be your starbuddy you know. This is all I’ve got.

Just to give you an idea of what it’s like to be in this conservative hellhole where I’m from: If I’m outside wearing a scarf and I happen to use chapstick, to the people around here I’m a “big ol’ flamin’ homo.”

in Jerry Seinfeld’s voice Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

One time I was walking around San Francisco and I heard two guys on bicycles having a really San Francisco conversation (I wrote it down):

“Let’s go get some mojitos after we ride through the park.”

“Sure, but don’t you have a dance class tonight?”

A super-spook. A ghoul analyzer and a ghost memorizer.

NUMB TO THE MEDIA WHICH IS MAKING THEM STUPID

Man the first three tracks on ‘Beatles For Sale’ pretty much sum it up for me

yup

I have been really stressed out recently . . . and I haven’t been eating! Or sleeping! So I have been taking a lot of epsom salt baths, and have walked some but it’s 20 degrees outside at night so I don’t stay out too long. Anyway this morning I “woke up” (meaning I stopped lying on the couch staring at the ceiling) and tried meditating. It became obvious pretty quickly that I am never going to be able to do this because as soon as I sit down my cat tries to curl up on my lap or screams at me to give him treats!