I am absolutely certain I will never have to worry about creating something that is viewed / read by a large number of people, though I reckon if I did somehow accidentally do just that, and it somehow picked up traction, it would be terrifying, and would immediately dissuade me from ever sharing anything again.

It would be really cool to have, uh, an “artistic partnership” with someone akin to what Kurosawa and Mifune had. They made 16 god darn movies together and they’re brilliant. It was Akira Kurosawa, who was a genius, writing and directing for Toshiro Mifune, who was a different kind of genius. Mifune was how Kurosawa said stuff to us. Mifune delivered Kurosawa the best.

Kurosawa and Mifune later had a falling out over ‘Red Beard,’ and Kurosawa was hesitant to use Mifune in anything after that because he had gone on to star in “lesser” films / TV shows . . . and I guess Kurosawa could never wrap his head around that. Why would Mifune want to be in bad things and not good things? is what he asked himself, I reckon. That is, I reckon also, a question you would ask if you were A True Artist????

(Mifune, of course, made stuff because he Had Bills To Pay, and God bless him for that. He later said the only thing he was proud of was the work he did with Kurosawa, and God bless his little heart for that too.)

I have completely banished all the thoughts and feelings I spent the last six weeks thinking and feeling. I released them and they are gone from me. Yeah, baby. Yeah.

I take the object in my hand and release it in the opposite direction

Major North American cities I would live in:

  • Boston
  • Providence
  • Portland (both I guess)
  • Montreal
  • Burlington
  • Tucson

Major North American cities I never want to see again:

  • San Antonio
  • San Francisco
  • Phoenix
  • Las Vegas
  • New Orleans
  • San Diego

I think after this one I have maybe one more North American city left in me. Probably Montreal! After that I’m disappearing forever.

Here is something that I have never told anyone, and for no good reason. I wasn’t embarrassed about it or anything. I just never thought to say it.

Anyway: There is a song on the ‘Only God Forgives’ soundtrack called “Sister, Pt. 1” and the reason I like it so much is because I finally found a sound that is pretty close to the one I hear in my hand, and the one I feel inside my body, if that makes sense. . . ???

The scene in the movie where it is used is pretty similar to the MENTAL PLACE I go to when I am alone. Just a dude slumped over in a chair in a dark neon room thinking about god dang nothing.



Once, a few years ago, I hung out with this sort of earth child / moon goddess type . . . a Burner, I guess you might call her (she would call herself that too, and did) . . . but she was real cool anyway. She used to come into my restaurant and sit at the bar and we’d talk about a bunch of dumb crap for hours.

Anyway: She asked me to pick her up one night, so I drove over in the police car and got her. Hell, it was one in the morning. We drank two whole bottles of wine. She was so positive and friendly and uplifting, and talked about how much she loved being in water and laying out in the sun, and on and on. And I in contrast was this sort of death-pale subterranean just-when-you-think-the-world’s-a-joke gloom-freak jerkoff-loser . . . and for some reason that wasn’t absolutely mortifying to her, even though everything I said to her was the complete opposite of her worldview. Maybe that’s why our conversation was so interesting though. I didn’t try to tell her she was wrong, and she didn’t try to tell me I was wrong. It was a nice honest thing. It was genuinely fun.

She called me a few minutes ago saying she “heard” I was in the Bay. Oh boy! I’m totally going to hang out with her. She has no doubt gotten closer to ascending into the clouds . . . and as for me, I have plunged ever deeper into the dark chambers of this terrible endless nightmare, and yet I can still laugh anyway. Maybe our absolutely inscrutable yinyang relationship will endure and be made stronger!!