30 November 2018

well it’s 11:30 pm on a friday night and i’m going to sleep because i just pathetically walked around my neighborhood all night waiting for a phone call that never came so i guess that’s what my life looks like lol

30 November 2018

This morning I woke up to terror such as I have never experienced before: I was entirely stripped of feeling. Everything was gone; it was as if I had lost something that had been entrusted to me the previous evening, something I was supposed to take special care of overnight. I was in the position of someone who has been assigned to guard an entire sleeping army, but suddenly finds himself mysteriously blinded, deaf, and effaced. Everything was gone. I was completely empty, without pain, without longing, without love, without warmth and friendship, without anger, without hate. Nothing, nothing was there anymore, and I was left like a suit of armor with no knight inside. It took a long time before I even felt alarmed.

thanks for summing that up for me perfectly werner herzog

30 November 2018

a few years ago, when my family still lived in my hometown (now empty of all of them), i found some boxes in my mother’s basement that i guess i had left there in 2011 when i moved from baltimore to austin. i found so many letters my dad had written me, some of them written on napkins and left on my steering wheel for me to find when i drove to school, and they all pretty much said the same thing: “i’m sorry that there have been times when i have failed you, but i love you very much and i always will.”

i have no idea when i will see my dad or any of my family again. it could be years, and it could just as well never happen again

yeah

30 November 2018

that is not dead which can eternal lie,
and with strange aeons even death may die.

30 November 2018

As the snows fell during our first winter together, Neon Grandfather gently lowered himself onto one knee and whispered in my ear:

“STAY CLOSE, LITTLE ONE
AND I WILL GIVE YOU GOLD
WE’LL STAY UP LATE
AND LEARN TO HATE
THE BITTER, BITTER COLD”

30 November 2018

i woke up and couldn’t remember anything i did yesterday except sit in a sushi bar by myself

i feel a sort of massive serotonin brain drain going on today

alone! horribly alone!!!