31 July 2022

last week i had a Movie Night with my Movie Buds

left to right: emma, cecelia, stevie, vicraj, hilary

chillin on the counter: me

:,)

30 July 2022

i can’t show you what this really says because it’s my “”real last name””

but uh, one of god’s own little angels sure is walking this earth with this thing around her neck

. . . and i gotta say:

30 July 2022

it is 4:40 am in california and i just said aloud (to no one): “well, i think it’s time for big baby daddy to go to sleep”

big baby daddy

yeah for real it’s time to go to sleep lol

(i just smoked some sort of flowery sleep spliff my friend hannah gave me. so this will either succeed in sedating me, or i’m about to have my millionth sleepless night painless and drugged)

29 July 2022

“THEN SHALL IT COME TO PASS THE SAYING THAT IS WRITTEN,” A VOICE SAID. “DEATH IS SWALLOWED UP. IN VICTORY.” PERHAPS ONLY FRED HEARD IT. “BECAUSE,” THE VOICE SAID, “AS SOON AS THE WRITING APPEARS BACKWARD, THEN YOU KNOW WHICH IS ILLUSION AND WHICH IS NOT. THE CONFUSION ENDS, AND DEATH, THE LAST ENEMY, SUBSTANCE DEATH, IS SWALLOWED NOT INTO THE BODY BUT UP—IN VICTORY. BEHOLD, I TELL YOU THE SACRED SECRET NOW: WE SHALL NOT ALL SLEEP IN DEATH.”

THE MYSTERY, HE THOUGHT, THE EXPLANATION, HE MEANS. OF A SECRET. A SACRED SECRET. WE SHALL NOT DIE.

THE REFLECTIONS SHALL LEAVE.

AND IT WILL HAPPEN FAST.

WE SHALL ALL BE CHANGED, AND BY THAT HE MEANS REVERSED BACK, SUDDENLY. IN THE TWINKLING OF AN EYE!

BECAUSE, HE THOUGHT GLUMLY AS HE WATCHED THE POLICE PSYCHOLOGISTS WRITING THEIR CONCLUSIONS AND SIGNING THEM, WE ARE FUCKING BACKWARD RIGHT NOW, I GUESS, EVERY ONE OF US; EVERYONE AND EVERY DAMN THING, AND DISTANCE, AND EVEN TIME. BUT HOW LONG, HE THOUGHT, WHEN A PRINT IS BEING MADE, A CONTACT PRINT, WHEN THE PHOTOGRAPHER DISCOVERS HE’S GOT THE NEGATIVE REVERSED, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO FLIP IT? TO REVERSE IT AGAIN SO IT’S LIKE IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE?

A FRACTION OF A SECOND.

I UNDERSTAND, HE THOUGHT, WHAT THE PASSAGE IN THE BIBLE MEANS, THROUGH A GLASS DARKLY. BUT MY PERCEPT SYSTEM IS AS FUCKED UP AS EVER. LIKE THEY SAY. I UNDERSTAND BUT AM HELPLESS TO HELP MYSELF.

MAYBE, HE THOUGHT, SINCE I SEE BOTH WAYS AT ONCE, CORRECTLY AND REVERSED, I’M THE FIRST PERSON IN HUMAN HISTORY TO HAVE IT FLIPPED AND NOT-FLIPPED SIMULTANEOUSLY, AND SO GET A GLIMPSE OF WHAT IT’LL BE WHEN IT’S RIGHT. ALTHOUGH I’VE GOT THE OTHER AS WELL, THE REGULAR. AND WHICH IS WHICH?

WHICH IS REVERSED AND WHICH IS NOT?

WHEN DO I SEE A PHOTOGRAPH, WHEN A REFLECTION?

29 July 2022

god . . . i really am a big dumb embarrassing loser. i love it though lol