No matter how much sleep I get, or how nice my mattress is, or how well I eat, or how much I exercise, my body always feels really bad. My entire skeleton aches and I have permanent black marks just below my eyes. Also I’ve lost a little weight and I’m pretty sure I have this recurring waking hallucination where time randomly slows down and stutters.

As my hero Scooby-Doo would say: “Ruh roh!”