i ask the world: please, stop talking to me like i still need someone tie my shoes for me, or like i am the core demographic for a low-fat yogurt commercial. have you not noticed that everything is written or spoken in this soft comfy goo-goo ga-ga baby talk now? like all this stuff is trying to be your buddy? or comes off like a stranger trying to give you a god damn shoulder massage while you’re sitting on a public bus?

you know what most advertising and, as a result, most human language (at least in this country) feels like to me? it feels like two mormons with clip-on ties sneaking into your house through your chimney and trying to hand you a pamphlet with big empty smiles on their big empty faces while you’re sitting at the kitchen table glumly eating a bowl of cereal and reading over a final notice from the IRS.