i stand before the LORD and all you fine people cowering back there in the dark, and unto you i say this: i am going to do everything in my power to live out the last years of my life without ever again reading someone’s attempt to describe what music sounds like.

people who review music (and movies) are people who have never actually made anything. they have compacted decade-old cheeto dust affixed to their fingertips like barnacles on the side of a ship. they are vile people.

once, a few years ago, my cousin and i put together a list of meaningless compound modifiers that are sadly very similar to the kinds you will see employed in their quote unquote reviews because describing what a song sounds like is dumb as hell.

anyway enjoy:

  • squiggly instro-funk
  • technorganics
  • carnivorous fuzz-groove
  • bark-chewing electro-popping jazz-crunch
  • rump-shaking beatfest of home grown
  • elastic-y hypno-squirm
  • cardio-visceral skim-hop
  • fist-beating zip-zapping bog-jam
  • fucking-a-hole-in-the-wall dirty slam-jam
  • grim-rapping post-skunk
  • slug-simpering fungi-pop
  • rusty blues-o-tronic folk-grinder
  • church-exploding jerk-jazz
  • dung-clap acoustics
  • trog-slog up Mt. Earblood
  • avalanche of scream-eating doom-grunge
  • pro/regressive neo-scrapple
  • catacomb of ghost-fucking crunch-funk
  • trans-indie nosebleed doom-rock
  • micro-vascular synth-gargle
  • vomitronic neo-gospel
  • orbital rock-probe of electro-static
  • post-orchestral nerve-boil
  • ear-melting sludge hammer
  • soul-comsuming ocularamble