SOME TIME AGO NOW, I said I was going to hire an intern to ride into Eternity with me. I had this idea a long time ago . . . around the same time I came up with the funeral for Kermit the Frog. The passing of Kermit and his subsequent death ritual have come to pass. I did it! And so now I must fulfill yet another one of my dreams from the past. Even if it’s terrible and doesn’t work out, I need to know that I tried. And anyway, if this does work, it will serve as Proof Of Concept for the doomsday cult I’m going to start in Berlin. By which I mean: are they really gonna buy what I’m selling? Or take what I’m giving away for free, really. . . . (et cetera)

How do you convince some puppy-dogged UC Berkeley sophomore to hang out with you three days a week for free? What experience can I offer them in exchange for their serving a cult of personality that was wholly alien to them not long before they fell dick-first into it? I wonder.

AT ANY RATE: My Craigslist ad is pure and beautiful. I think I’m going to throw it into Acrobat and use some nice fonts and shit like that—and then, in the middle of the night, go around campus stapling it to cork boards and telephone poles. Some gorgeous saint among us is sure to GRAB a TAB with my email address on it, and see what it’s all about. That’s the sort of patriot I’m looking for. Hell, I’d do it if I saw such a thing. And why not?

So! Standby! I’ll introduce this son of a bitch here soon. I gotta start the interview process ASAP. Yeah. I’m stupid by the way!!!