I have an incurable mental ailment that is very powerful and which often makes my life a complete nightmare. It changes the way I interpret reality such that everything passes through a dark filter that makes me feel paranoid and incredibly sad. Near as I can tell there is only one thing I can do to temporarily ward it off but it really is a 50/50 split if it will work or not. Day to day I am mostly all right. When things feel particularly dire, it pretty much doesn’t work at all. I am of course talking about a few little white pills I take every day and have taken for eleven years.

Throughout the year I have these huge upswings and downswings. I can always count on at least two big downswings and the only way out is to just endure it. It’s miserable and it affects me deeply and affects people around me. I try very hard not to make it other people’s problem but sometimes I am unsuccessful because I can’t let myself get too isolated or else it just gets worse. Feeling this way has destroyed relationships in my life and caused me to act erratically. And the worst part of it is, I am fully aware of it while it’s happening but powerless to stop it, like being locked inside a machine and having no control over it.

Anyway, I wish I could just be rid of it, almost like an exorcism. But of course all I can do is try my best between the high spots. I’m sorry if you’ve ever been affected by my downswings. It’s no excuse to say that it’s just a chemical imbalance and is out of my control. I am responsible for what I have done. It’s just that I really am deeply apologetic about it and I wish I hadn’t done those things too. I don’t want to feel this way. It’s very difficult to live with that in you.