HEY: What’s with these dopey milk-drinkers coming after me because they cannot dream of a world in which their girlfriend could have a wholly platonic friendship with another dude? I feel like this happens to me every other month. And here’s the thing: in attempting to probe me, or psychoanalyze me to get at my intentions (of which there are none!!), and them being met with ice-cold silence, they reveal way more about their own hang-ups and insecurities than the ones they had hoped to discover about me. Oops~

Also, man, here’s something to remember, whoever you are, whether you’re some asshole with a girlfriend or not: don’t make your problem someone else’s problem. Jesus lord in heaven is this an endless annoyance to me. It’s like . . . you’re sad or angry about something that is out of my control, and not my fault, and really has nothing to do with me at all, and is founded upon your own inability to Deal With Your Own Life, and so you pile it on me because you need another human face to take responsibility for it. I guess for some people it’s just easier to blame yourself on somebody else. Stop it!! Get a hobby or something you freakin cheese-eating rat bastard. I didn’t have sex with your girlfriend and I ain’t gonna. Maybe, uh, trust her??

And stop calling me and emailing me and threatening me and asking me questions. As I tell everyone: Are you finished? Cuz I got bills to pay!!