The rumors are true: Tonight is the very first time the Dudes Done Wrong ritual will be held in Portland, Oregon. For those who came in late, Dudes Done Wrong involves viewing films which focus on a dude, man or woman, who has been done wrong by someone or something, and who rises from the ashes of total annihilation to get revenge upon their enemies, or at the very least do and say some real cool stuff to interesting people in interesting places.

Where are you? Are you in Portland? If you’re in Portland then you’d better be at my fortified compound by 10 p.m., because that’s when we’re going to watch Harry Saltzman’s 1965 masterpiece ‘The Ipcress File,’ which is part one of the Harry Palmer British spy series. Harry Palmer is of course portrayed by Sir Michael Caine, who is a beautiful and wonderful man, and who has fantastic hair and glasses in this film.

‘The Ipcress File’ asks: “What if James Bond was broke as hell, and hated his job, and maybe his whole life too?” Harry Palmer is a jerkish, quick-witted government agent who doesn’t give two shits about anything, and who lives in a dumpy apartment but still manages to get laid every now and then anyway. Dude hates authority and can’t get a break. Really, he’s something of a hero of mine.

If you wanna come, just email me and I’ll give you my address. I live in a secret hideout on Hawthorne Boulevard. It’s real cool. Tonight I finally figured out how the hell I want my furniture positioned, and so now it’s a nice place to sit down and watch movies. Like every Thursday following this one, we will gather like brothers and sisters on my queen-sized bed and have ourselves a good old time. If you’d like, I will make you a cup of tea. I just moved in so I only have green and earl grey. Give me a few weeks and I will have more options.

Please bring your pajamas if that’s what you feel like doing. I ain’t even kidding. Bring snacks. Bring a freakin sleeping bag, why don’t you. I want you jerks to be comfortable.

I am stupid and dumb and so I will probably make everyone put their cell phones in a box until the movie is over. I mean, c’mon. Have you watched a movie with anyone recently? They’re not even there, man. If you cannot commit to putting your phone in a box for two hours while we experience Truth and Beauty (lol), then hell, just do something else. That’s fine! You’ll probably be a whole lot happier. The thing is: This sacred gathering is about watching movies that represent the only real truth in the universe! It’s also about a whole lot more than that, but if I go into too much detail here I’m going to come off like a huge turd.

Y’all’s gonna love this’n, I promise. It’s funny and weird and cool. I would not lead you astray. I only wish to guide you toward the void.

OK see you then!!! Email me!!!!!